I love to write stuffs like this poured with emotions and thoughts about me and my life. I used to carry my “secret notebook” (well I call it secret because it is some sort of a journal that nobody ever tried to read not until I’m alive)…not really like a diary because I only write when I feel like writing something. On the second thought, I also wanted to write all what’s happening inside me because I want people to read my write- ups just in case I die.(OVER!) Reading my blogs could maybe, just maybe lead to their understanding of who I really am.
Some people write because they cannot express what and how they feel or they cannot give an acceptable reason to why they act strange and different from others or maybe it is beyond their power to tell something that they themselves don’t understand.
Life can be exciting, happy, adventurous, fun, Challenging, boring, exhausting, wasted, gloomy and lost. Life is simply life. What happen in the past, in the present and in the future are history that repeats itself. Problems appear in different forms at unexpected time and place yet at the end of the day you always get the solution. Months will pass another problem will come and then the same process goes. You worry, cry and feel tired yet one day it will be gone.
I was just thinking are those old people that reached ages around 60, 70 or more experienced much more problems than I do? Maybe yes but could possibly be no. The age doesn’t count on how many problems you encountered or how many laughter you busted. When young people like me come to a point of giving up, some would tell that life must go on amidst all the encumbrances that you carry. Absolutely it’s true, we humans individually face our own lives that are filled with various test. But it is innate for humans to feel tired sometimes….so can I have my “sometime” just now?
We are born to have two sides: one is being strong and the other is being weak and it depends on you on how to stand the state of being strong and weak. Bitter as may seem but you only have yourself to make your way out.
Life could sometimes be hard for me and boring but I guess I have to run fast and feel the speed to make my life rolling. I have to jump and fly to feel the rush of blood in my veins….This is life to the extreme!
Ride on baby! Ride on!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
MY UNREQUITED LOVE STORY ( THE FINALE)
“You have to know that I will never love a man the way I loved you” (One and Only You Monday, November 16, 2009)…
I speak of these words when I was still hooked with the idea of having you for the second time. These words are uttered with sincerity and affection but can I take it back? Hhhmm..Maybe no because it’s the truth but can I change it? Definitely yes and it goes like this “You have to know that I will never love a man the way I loved you because when the time comes that my man arrives I will love him better and more than I loved you”.
Have I known that for the second time my sacrifice will be just another useless story? Have I known that you can never really fight for me? Have I known that history repeats itself?
Honestly, I was not expecting that it would happen again. I thought things will be different now but I was wrong. Did I assume too much? Did I expect too much from you?
My fantasy over you and about us was another secret of failure.
Well I have to end this endless fool’s dreams. I’m closing the door for you and from now on you will be just the man I will remember for teaching me how love can be cruel and how love can be a sweet sacrifice.
I am not hurt. I am not sad. I am not angry. This is the best ending for an unrequited love story.
Acceptance will take away the pain and the regret. YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER.
I used to fix my mind with you as my ideal man and I could never find someone like you who makes me nervous and shudder at the same time. And I was wrong having this idealism. I never gave myself the chance to see other people’s willingness to give themselves for me just like my willingness to give up everything for you. I would not blame myself for this stupid idealism because it’s my choice.
Now it came to a point where I will need to end this. It’s time to stop dreaming, to stop assuming, to stop waiting and to stop loving you.
I think I did not fail to show you how much you are loved. I did a good fight, didn’t I?
My story.
Your story.
Our story.
The Unrequited love story will now end here.
I speak of these words when I was still hooked with the idea of having you for the second time. These words are uttered with sincerity and affection but can I take it back? Hhhmm..Maybe no because it’s the truth but can I change it? Definitely yes and it goes like this “You have to know that I will never love a man the way I loved you because when the time comes that my man arrives I will love him better and more than I loved you”.
Have I known that for the second time my sacrifice will be just another useless story? Have I known that you can never really fight for me? Have I known that history repeats itself?
Honestly, I was not expecting that it would happen again. I thought things will be different now but I was wrong. Did I assume too much? Did I expect too much from you?
My fantasy over you and about us was another secret of failure.
Well I have to end this endless fool’s dreams. I’m closing the door for you and from now on you will be just the man I will remember for teaching me how love can be cruel and how love can be a sweet sacrifice.
I am not hurt. I am not sad. I am not angry. This is the best ending for an unrequited love story.
Acceptance will take away the pain and the regret. YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER.
I used to fix my mind with you as my ideal man and I could never find someone like you who makes me nervous and shudder at the same time. And I was wrong having this idealism. I never gave myself the chance to see other people’s willingness to give themselves for me just like my willingness to give up everything for you. I would not blame myself for this stupid idealism because it’s my choice.
Now it came to a point where I will need to end this. It’s time to stop dreaming, to stop assuming, to stop waiting and to stop loving you.
I think I did not fail to show you how much you are loved. I did a good fight, didn’t I?
My story.
Your story.
Our story.
The Unrequited love story will now end here.
Monday, January 25, 2010
ADAGIO__I LOVE YOU
I don’t know where to find you
I don’t know how to reach you
I hear your voice in the wind
I feel you under my skin (or "that brings me a touch of hint")
Within my heart and my soul
I wait for you
Adagio (or "I love you" or "I need you")
All of these nights without you
All of my dreams surround you
I see and I touch your face
I fall into your embrace
When the time is right, I know
You'll be in my arms
Adagio (or "I love you" or "I need you")
I close my eyes and I find a way
No need for me to pray
I’ve walked so far
I've fought so hard
Nothing more to explain
I know all that remains
Is a piano that plays
If you know where to find me
If you know how to reach me
Before this light fades away
Before I run out of faith
Be the only man (or "one") to say
That you'll hear my heart
That you'll give your life
Forever you'll stay
Don't let this light fade away
No No No No No No
Don't let me run out of faith
Be the only man (or "one") to say
That you believe
Make me believe
You won't let go
Adagio (or "I love you" or "I need you")
I don’t know how to reach you
I hear your voice in the wind
I feel you under my skin (or "that brings me a touch of hint")
Within my heart and my soul
I wait for you
Adagio (or "I love you" or "I need you")
All of these nights without you
All of my dreams surround you
I see and I touch your face
I fall into your embrace
When the time is right, I know
You'll be in my arms
Adagio (or "I love you" or "I need you")
I close my eyes and I find a way
No need for me to pray
I’ve walked so far
I've fought so hard
Nothing more to explain
I know all that remains
Is a piano that plays
If you know where to find me
If you know how to reach me
Before this light fades away
Before I run out of faith
Be the only man (or "one") to say
That you'll hear my heart
That you'll give your life
Forever you'll stay
Don't let this light fade away
No No No No No No
Don't let me run out of faith
Be the only man (or "one") to say
That you believe
Make me believe
You won't let go
Adagio (or "I love you" or "I need you")
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Three Characters of My Life
Lately my mind is preoccupied with things I WANT TO DO, I CANNOT DO and THE IMPOSSIBLE.Things that always make my head ache. This is my habit, my disease, my obsession. (mmm..how do you call someone who never stops from thinking?)
Things I WANT TO DO:
I want something great for myself so I want to be someone who can satisfy my own standard. I want to see myself choked with success so I won’t think that I am a complete loser. I want to spend my time on teaching myself the things that the scholars know so I won’t always tell myself that I am dumb and stupid. I want to be someone who is respected and feared by anyone who tries to ridicule me so that I won’t always bent my head down when ignorance is coming my way. I want something for myself that would ease my heart from ceaseless search. I want to find that “something” for myself that would make me say “I couldn’t ask for more”.
Things I CANNOT DO:
I can’t leave because I’m stuck with too much worry about my family. I can’t say no because I’m afraid to hurt others feelings. I can’t say yes because I’m afraid of its consequences. I can’t go if someone is pulling me backwards. I can’t step forward because I’m frightened of what will I see on the way. I CANNOT DO the things I WANT TO DO because it is not easy to settle things at once. It is not easy to let
go.
THE IMPOSSIBLE:
Are there any? Mmm..well these are those fantasies I created inside my mind. You know it’s not good being too imaginative sometimes, it gives you hope at first but disappoint you later on. So better not be like me. ^_^.
The impossible is something to do with YOU and ME. It sounds real yet when I pinch myself I woke up from that fantasy but I can’t keep myself from thinking about it over and over again. EXHAUSTING!
What can I possibly do with the THINGS I CANNOT DO and THE IMPOSSIBLE?
Maybe it’s time for me to decide on matters that concern me, my future, my dream, my goal and my life. I’m giving it a time limit starting today…gonna work hard but when the door opens I’m gonna take that path without regrets and backing off.
Things I WANT TO DO:
I want something great for myself so I want to be someone who can satisfy my own standard. I want to see myself choked with success so I won’t think that I am a complete loser. I want to spend my time on teaching myself the things that the scholars know so I won’t always tell myself that I am dumb and stupid. I want to be someone who is respected and feared by anyone who tries to ridicule me so that I won’t always bent my head down when ignorance is coming my way. I want something for myself that would ease my heart from ceaseless search. I want to find that “something” for myself that would make me say “I couldn’t ask for more”.
Things I CANNOT DO:
I can’t leave because I’m stuck with too much worry about my family. I can’t say no because I’m afraid to hurt others feelings. I can’t say yes because I’m afraid of its consequences. I can’t go if someone is pulling me backwards. I can’t step forward because I’m frightened of what will I see on the way. I CANNOT DO the things I WANT TO DO because it is not easy to settle things at once. It is not easy to let
go.
THE IMPOSSIBLE:
Are there any? Mmm..well these are those fantasies I created inside my mind. You know it’s not good being too imaginative sometimes, it gives you hope at first but disappoint you later on. So better not be like me. ^_^.
The impossible is something to do with YOU and ME. It sounds real yet when I pinch myself I woke up from that fantasy but I can’t keep myself from thinking about it over and over again. EXHAUSTING!
What can I possibly do with the THINGS I CANNOT DO and THE IMPOSSIBLE?
Maybe it’s time for me to decide on matters that concern me, my future, my dream, my goal and my life. I’m giving it a time limit starting today…gonna work hard but when the door opens I’m gonna take that path without regrets and backing off.
Friday, January 1, 2010
A New Year to Look Forward to....
Another year has ended for every one of us and there will be this New Year to face.
Like anyone of you, one chapter in my life has closed its pages and there will be another chapter to unfold.
2009 has been good but there are imminent tragedies which I never saw coming and it was too late for me to regret and blame someone or something just to be able to get the answer of a mystery which I didn’t even recognized. There were different stories in my life which myself cannot understand why the ending of the tale is far different from what I imagined when I wrote its beginning.
Well it was a mistake when I thought I was all alone writing the story of my own life. I forgot that I am in need of guidance and protection. Unexpectedly and unfortunately my stubbornness has its own price and I paid for it.
Every day I grow up and I can sensed that I need to because I must see myself strong and contented. But no matter what I do I keep on failing and every now and then I cried though it hurts a lot to see myself in pain.
Different faces of pain which I need to bear during my solitary moments. Pain of the past that keeps on haunting me. The pain of losing my father and the pain of missing him knowing that I could never touch him again. The pain of the miserable life which drag me into the world of envy and selfishness. The pain of being betrayed and rejected by the people you loved and cared so much. The pain of assuming for the love of someone. The pain of waiting when at the end you will just only know you are waiting for nothing. Yes I was living my life in pain. Some people may not understand it and I have no intention to explain it either. But despite of all these pain, I manage to live my life partly. I still love myself no matter what!
Family is a great refuge especially my mom whom I would offer my life and love. She has been my courage when I have nothing more to give. Thanks to her I still say “cheers” every morning.
2009 has been good because God has given me everything I asked for. He never fails me even if I don’t deserve it. Like any other humans I pay my Master the highest respect, worship and love even if I cannot afford it.
I face 2010 with enthusiasm and optimism…2009 has been good but 2010 will be better. I have to leave some people behind and to welcome another new ones. But I need to remind myself that I should be careful this time. I should not do anything reckless because when it happens again... it will surely be my doomsday.
2010 will be my year and this year will be full of laughter and love. I may not have forgiven some people but I know time will come I will not remember their faces and their names so there will be no more reason for me to look back. I’m moving on. Forward to a better me. To a better year. To a better life.
^_^
Like anyone of you, one chapter in my life has closed its pages and there will be another chapter to unfold.
2009 has been good but there are imminent tragedies which I never saw coming and it was too late for me to regret and blame someone or something just to be able to get the answer of a mystery which I didn’t even recognized. There were different stories in my life which myself cannot understand why the ending of the tale is far different from what I imagined when I wrote its beginning.
Well it was a mistake when I thought I was all alone writing the story of my own life. I forgot that I am in need of guidance and protection. Unexpectedly and unfortunately my stubbornness has its own price and I paid for it.
Every day I grow up and I can sensed that I need to because I must see myself strong and contented. But no matter what I do I keep on failing and every now and then I cried though it hurts a lot to see myself in pain.
Different faces of pain which I need to bear during my solitary moments. Pain of the past that keeps on haunting me. The pain of losing my father and the pain of missing him knowing that I could never touch him again. The pain of the miserable life which drag me into the world of envy and selfishness. The pain of being betrayed and rejected by the people you loved and cared so much. The pain of assuming for the love of someone. The pain of waiting when at the end you will just only know you are waiting for nothing. Yes I was living my life in pain. Some people may not understand it and I have no intention to explain it either. But despite of all these pain, I manage to live my life partly. I still love myself no matter what!
Family is a great refuge especially my mom whom I would offer my life and love. She has been my courage when I have nothing more to give. Thanks to her I still say “cheers” every morning.
2009 has been good because God has given me everything I asked for. He never fails me even if I don’t deserve it. Like any other humans I pay my Master the highest respect, worship and love even if I cannot afford it.
I face 2010 with enthusiasm and optimism…2009 has been good but 2010 will be better. I have to leave some people behind and to welcome another new ones. But I need to remind myself that I should be careful this time. I should not do anything reckless because when it happens again... it will surely be my doomsday.
2010 will be my year and this year will be full of laughter and love. I may not have forgiven some people but I know time will come I will not remember their faces and their names so there will be no more reason for me to look back. I’m moving on. Forward to a better me. To a better year. To a better life.
^_^
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Devoured me!
I cannot sleep tonight and I'm not sure if it's because of the after effect of being hospitalized for the first time or maybe because I'm thinking the shit things happening on me now.I'm not in the mood tonight. Listening on the radio doesn't help, it only reminds of me of the bitter memories and missing someone. I hate missing people knowing that he doesn't feel the same way. Watching tv is not a good idea either, I'm tired of watching boring news e.g killing people, stealing, fire, volcano erupting, bad economy, famine, everything at its worst. Who could save someone from someone? I should say acting like this would fire me from the world of media. The hell with it!
Just let me speak for myself. I want to say what I'm thinking right now. And do you have any idea what's bugging in my mind tonight? Hmmmm...bet you have no idea.
I AM TIRED.Do you know how it feels of being in hell? Yeah. I'm in hell. Oh wait! I am always in hell. I have not escape from it!Pathetic...I was just fooling myself. I cannot save me from me. Tough Self!
Why do I need to pay the price of something when at the end I have no benefit from it? They say I shouldn't expect any return! Oh!Bullshit! I am left with nothing now, what more can I give? You took it all away.
Now I'm going to return to the place where I am alone, no emotions, lifeless, aloof and angry. Masochistic I am! but at least I didn't hurt anybody. Can you hear me? I DIDN'T HURT ANYBODY. I NEVER LET ANYONE CRY! AND THANKS TO YOU GUYS I AM ALWAYS THE ONE WHO DOES IT!
Oh Lord! Show me what I'm looking for!Save me! I just need someone to stand by me forever! Just get me out of here!
Just let me speak for myself. I want to say what I'm thinking right now. And do you have any idea what's bugging in my mind tonight? Hmmmm...bet you have no idea.
I AM TIRED.Do you know how it feels of being in hell? Yeah. I'm in hell. Oh wait! I am always in hell. I have not escape from it!Pathetic...I was just fooling myself. I cannot save me from me. Tough Self!
Why do I need to pay the price of something when at the end I have no benefit from it? They say I shouldn't expect any return! Oh!Bullshit! I am left with nothing now, what more can I give? You took it all away.
Now I'm going to return to the place where I am alone, no emotions, lifeless, aloof and angry. Masochistic I am! but at least I didn't hurt anybody. Can you hear me? I DIDN'T HURT ANYBODY. I NEVER LET ANYONE CRY! AND THANKS TO YOU GUYS I AM ALWAYS THE ONE WHO DOES IT!
Oh Lord! Show me what I'm looking for!Save me! I just need someone to stand by me forever! Just get me out of here!
Pissed Off!!!!!
I AM TIRED OF EVERYTHING....BWESIT!
MAMALIKAS SAKO DRI WALAY MAGBUOT!YAWA!GIKAPOY NAJUD KO...
I HATE RULES! HATE LIFE!I HATE EVERYTHING!
LEAVE ME ALONE!BULLSHIT!
JUST TAKE MY HEART AWAY!
DAMN YOU PEOPLE!
MAMALIKAS SAKO DRI WALAY MAGBUOT!YAWA!GIKAPOY NAJUD KO...
I HATE RULES! HATE LIFE!I HATE EVERYTHING!
LEAVE ME ALONE!BULLSHIT!
JUST TAKE MY HEART AWAY!
DAMN YOU PEOPLE!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Still Learning to Forgive
Pay attention to every moment, because the opportunity - the “magic instant” – is within our reach, although we always let it pass by because we feel guilty. So try not to waste your time blaming yourself: the universe will see to correcting you if you’re not worthy of what you’re doing.”
It won’t be through tragedies; these happen because they are part of life, and they should not be thought of as punishment. Generally the universe shows us that we are wrong when it takes away what is most important to us: our friends.
if you don’t pardon, then you’ll think about the pain they caused you and that pain will never go away. I’m not saying that you have to like those who do you wrong. I’m not telling you to go back to that person’s company. I’m not suggesting that you start seeing that person as an angel or as someone who acted without any hurtful intentions. All I am saying is that the energy of hate will take you nowhere, but the energy of pardon which manifests itself through love will manage to change your life in a positive sense.”
“I have been hurt many times.”
“That’s the reason that you still bear within yourself the little boy who cried hiding from his parents, the boy who was the weakest in his class. You still bear the marks of that frail little boy who could never find a girlfriend and was never good at sports. You haven’t managed to chase off the scars of some injustices they committed against you during your life. But what good does that do you? None at all. Absolutely nothing. Just a constant desire to feel sorry for yourself for being the victim of those who were stronger. Or else dress up like an avenger ready to inflict more wounds on those who hurt you. Don’t you think you’re wasting your time with all that?”
“I think it’s human.”
“It’s certainly human. But it’s neither intelligent nor reasonable. Respect your time on this Earth, understand that God has always pardoned you, and learn to pardon too.”
It won’t be through tragedies; these happen because they are part of life, and they should not be thought of as punishment. Generally the universe shows us that we are wrong when it takes away what is most important to us: our friends.
if you don’t pardon, then you’ll think about the pain they caused you and that pain will never go away. I’m not saying that you have to like those who do you wrong. I’m not telling you to go back to that person’s company. I’m not suggesting that you start seeing that person as an angel or as someone who acted without any hurtful intentions. All I am saying is that the energy of hate will take you nowhere, but the energy of pardon which manifests itself through love will manage to change your life in a positive sense.”
“I have been hurt many times.”
“That’s the reason that you still bear within yourself the little boy who cried hiding from his parents, the boy who was the weakest in his class. You still bear the marks of that frail little boy who could never find a girlfriend and was never good at sports. You haven’t managed to chase off the scars of some injustices they committed against you during your life. But what good does that do you? None at all. Absolutely nothing. Just a constant desire to feel sorry for yourself for being the victim of those who were stronger. Or else dress up like an avenger ready to inflict more wounds on those who hurt you. Don’t you think you’re wasting your time with all that?”
“I think it’s human.”
“It’s certainly human. But it’s neither intelligent nor reasonable. Respect your time on this Earth, understand that God has always pardoned you, and learn to pardon too.”
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I Want To Know What Love Is
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is.....
I want you to show me......
I wanna feel what love is.....
I know you can show me......
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me....
Ive got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me....
In my life! there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life!.!.!.!.
I wanna know what love is.....
I want you to show me......
I wanna feel what love is......
I know you can show me......
I wanna know what love is....
I want you to show me....
And I wanna feel, I want to.... feel what love is....
And I know, I know you can show me....
show me
I wanna know what love is, lets talk about love
I want you to show me, I wanna feel it too
I wanna feel what love is, I want to feel it too
And I know and I know, I know you can show me
Show me love is real, yeah
I wanna know what love is...
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is.....
I want you to show me......
I wanna feel what love is.....
I know you can show me......
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me....
Ive got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me....
In my life! there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life!.!.!.!.
I wanna know what love is.....
I want you to show me......
I wanna feel what love is......
I know you can show me......
I wanna know what love is....
I want you to show me....
And I wanna feel, I want to.... feel what love is....
And I know, I know you can show me....
show me
I wanna know what love is, lets talk about love
I want you to show me, I wanna feel it too
I wanna feel what love is, I want to feel it too
And I know and I know, I know you can show me
Show me love is real, yeah
I wanna know what love is...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Three Years Ago
I hate to see myself in pain. I hate to see myself in anger. I neither want to see myself in grudge nor to see myself suffer because of it. But all of these happened even if I don’t want too. Why? Because people around me love to see worst things thrown on me. Maybe I’m one of those lead actresses who are beaten up by villains but in my case I don’t receive any awards or compliments from the tears and screams or for the slaps and blows they have given me.
Just as I thought I started to recover…just as I thought it was over…the wounds that are not yet healed are calling for vengeance and I hate it.
Three years ago I died and it was the worst feeling that one could ever imagine. I eat, sleep, talk, walk, and think …I do all things that a normal person does but the only difference is that I hate to laugh, smile, and be with people. I curse boys, relationships, promises and even love. I hated them all just as I hated life so much. I am the living dead with no emotions at all. Imagine all things and people around you laughing out loud and living their lives happily while you are in an isolated corner of this world, crouching in pain..The kind of place you never wished for yourself. I often ask why the people you love are the same people who will let you feel the pain. The worst thing is when they have all moved on and yet you are left behind still suffering for the pain that those people have caused you. How bitter. How pathetic. How awful.
Three years ago I died and it was the moment where hope did not exist. Hope is only felt by people who still want to live but for me hope is a mere imagination, a fantasy of the weak. How could you still hope for someone or something when they have already given you up? How could you still convince yourself that there is still hope when you see yourself drowning in the deep, dark water of this unfair world and knowing that there is no one to save you?
Three years ago I died and I live my life alone. I learned to love the pain that people have blatantly showed me. I learned to be immune by the sufferings that life continuously troubles me. I learned to live my life with pain as my company and this pain will always live within me even if three years have already passed. This pain is already part of my being. Pain maybe a poisonous element in life but for me it is the thing that makes me strong and that will push me to keep going. I will always remember this pain because without it I will never survive life…three years ago.
___________________________________________________________________________________
I am sorry if you were not there three years ago. I am sorry that you were not by my side to comfort me when I was breaking down. I am sorry that you cannot understand the feeling of being abandoned and rejected. I am sorry that you cannot understand a bit of my weirdness and lonely life. I am sorry that even if you tried and even how hard I tried I cannot explain the things that are happening around me and the feelings that make me suffer right now. In the first place how can I express what I’m feeling if I don’t understand it? I am sorry because the pain keeps on haunting me and you are not enough or should I say it is not that easy. How I wish you could feel the strange feeling that is creeping me every night. I am sorry that three years ago…. something happened in my life.
GOD... I am begging you to save me from the curse that I'm into because I am tired and I'm afraid I cannot bear it anymore.
Can anybody out there hear my call?
Just as I thought I started to recover…just as I thought it was over…the wounds that are not yet healed are calling for vengeance and I hate it.
Three years ago I died and it was the worst feeling that one could ever imagine. I eat, sleep, talk, walk, and think …I do all things that a normal person does but the only difference is that I hate to laugh, smile, and be with people. I curse boys, relationships, promises and even love. I hated them all just as I hated life so much. I am the living dead with no emotions at all. Imagine all things and people around you laughing out loud and living their lives happily while you are in an isolated corner of this world, crouching in pain..The kind of place you never wished for yourself. I often ask why the people you love are the same people who will let you feel the pain. The worst thing is when they have all moved on and yet you are left behind still suffering for the pain that those people have caused you. How bitter. How pathetic. How awful.
Three years ago I died and it was the moment where hope did not exist. Hope is only felt by people who still want to live but for me hope is a mere imagination, a fantasy of the weak. How could you still hope for someone or something when they have already given you up? How could you still convince yourself that there is still hope when you see yourself drowning in the deep, dark water of this unfair world and knowing that there is no one to save you?
Three years ago I died and I live my life alone. I learned to love the pain that people have blatantly showed me. I learned to be immune by the sufferings that life continuously troubles me. I learned to live my life with pain as my company and this pain will always live within me even if three years have already passed. This pain is already part of my being. Pain maybe a poisonous element in life but for me it is the thing that makes me strong and that will push me to keep going. I will always remember this pain because without it I will never survive life…three years ago.
___________________________________________________________________________________
I am sorry if you were not there three years ago. I am sorry that you were not by my side to comfort me when I was breaking down. I am sorry that you cannot understand the feeling of being abandoned and rejected. I am sorry that you cannot understand a bit of my weirdness and lonely life. I am sorry that even if you tried and even how hard I tried I cannot explain the things that are happening around me and the feelings that make me suffer right now. In the first place how can I express what I’m feeling if I don’t understand it? I am sorry because the pain keeps on haunting me and you are not enough or should I say it is not that easy. How I wish you could feel the strange feeling that is creeping me every night. I am sorry that three years ago…. something happened in my life.
GOD... I am begging you to save me from the curse that I'm into because I am tired and I'm afraid I cannot bear it anymore.
Can anybody out there hear my call?
Monday, November 16, 2009
One and Only You
“ I'm waiting for the day when I can have you by my side again, until I've had my fill; that's all I ask to create a world where I can always find refuge if I need it; not so far away that I can't be seen to be having an independent life and not so close that it looks as if I'm invading your universe”
Waiting.....
I guess I have been waiting for you all my life since I found out what true love means. Waiting makes me tired at times...angry... irritated...helpless...worst it triggers me to give up. Every other day I felt different emotions but above all of these confusing and disturbing feelings – one thing I'm certain of is the love I felt for you.
Haven't you asked yourself if this is just a mere coincidence, a fluke of nature or destiny?
Because I do. I do ask myself if this is just another game that life wanted us to play and if this is really another life's game, I want to win this time (that if life will treat me fair). I already had you once but I lost it. Now destiny or whatever they call it, gave both of us a chance. Would you grab it or would you just let go? You don't have to throw back the same question because I will always give you the same answer like I have always said many years ago...Yes!I would grab it and will hold on. I didn't sacrifice this much if only I would just refuse at the end.
But even if I wanted you this much,I don't want to push you to your limits. I don't want to succumb you to do the same. What I want is that you will be at peace with your feelings. I want you to be happy when you are ready to make a choice. I want you to know what you want.
I'm willing to wait because I love you and because I love you I don't want you to love me "just because I love you".
It's crazy to think that I see my future with you. Am I too stupid to indulge myself into a reverie that seems so unreal? And I am too childish if I assume you feel the same way?
Do you see things the same? Do you envision yourself with me? Hmmm..silly thoughts..
Allow me to say that I am stupid and I am really a certified daydreamer but nevertheless I'm still the realistic optimist. Before I foresee all these pictures in my mind, what I'm excited about is you to become successful and become the man that you wanted to be.
While you realize all of your dreams, I will gather all my strength to wait for you until you will become the man ready to be loved by me.
And if waiting for you would mean hurt and pain – then I will be willing to bleed for you. It will only come to a halt when you tell me to stop loving you..when you tell me that you don't love me anymore...but even if our love story will end, you have to know that I will never love a man the way I loved you and if I did I will be living in a body of a different woman because for me there's one and only you.
Waiting.....
I guess I have been waiting for you all my life since I found out what true love means. Waiting makes me tired at times...angry... irritated...helpless...worst it triggers me to give up. Every other day I felt different emotions but above all of these confusing and disturbing feelings – one thing I'm certain of is the love I felt for you.
Haven't you asked yourself if this is just a mere coincidence, a fluke of nature or destiny?
Because I do. I do ask myself if this is just another game that life wanted us to play and if this is really another life's game, I want to win this time (that if life will treat me fair). I already had you once but I lost it. Now destiny or whatever they call it, gave both of us a chance. Would you grab it or would you just let go? You don't have to throw back the same question because I will always give you the same answer like I have always said many years ago...Yes!I would grab it and will hold on. I didn't sacrifice this much if only I would just refuse at the end.
But even if I wanted you this much,I don't want to push you to your limits. I don't want to succumb you to do the same. What I want is that you will be at peace with your feelings. I want you to be happy when you are ready to make a choice. I want you to know what you want.
I'm willing to wait because I love you and because I love you I don't want you to love me "just because I love you".
It's crazy to think that I see my future with you. Am I too stupid to indulge myself into a reverie that seems so unreal? And I am too childish if I assume you feel the same way?
Do you see things the same? Do you envision yourself with me? Hmmm..silly thoughts..
Allow me to say that I am stupid and I am really a certified daydreamer but nevertheless I'm still the realistic optimist. Before I foresee all these pictures in my mind, what I'm excited about is you to become successful and become the man that you wanted to be.
While you realize all of your dreams, I will gather all my strength to wait for you until you will become the man ready to be loved by me.
And if waiting for you would mean hurt and pain – then I will be willing to bleed for you. It will only come to a halt when you tell me to stop loving you..when you tell me that you don't love me anymore...but even if our love story will end, you have to know that I will never love a man the way I loved you and if I did I will be living in a body of a different woman because for me there's one and only you.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Words of GoodBye to my Smart Girls
I hate to utter this word but I think I need to. “ Goodbye” to my colleagues and friends in Smart. I am very grateful that I had the opportunity of working with people like you guys..( echus!drama ang introduction...)
AHEM....!
Before I will leave the office and will not see you guys for maybe days or weeks I have to drop something special.hehehe....dili regalo ah!
Let's begin with Ate Anet...
Ate thank you for being the person that you are. Thank you for being the ATE of the group. To us girls you have been so caring like every ate's in the world do. To you ate I bequeath my talent of saying “ Mangaon tah”...ikaw ate ang musonod sa akong mga yapak na palakaon..bira ate! Hantod buhi pa ta kaon jud but don't you worry kay naa man ka diet strategy courtesy of your mother..ahehehe..ate I hope when I see you again naka score naka..hahaha..btaw ate..seriously whether HE will arrive or not, I am still wishing you life full of love. Singleness doesn't mean you have nothing. It only says that you have enough love to be offered to everyone, equal and sincere. Lab u ate.
To Palac, the future adik next to me..hahaha..ambot ani niya oi maulaw pa cguro xa ug pakita sa iyang true colors..hawja palac!ayb nah!...btaw, among the girls it's you that I haven't spend so much time like sa camiguin but it doesn't matter at all kay eventually nakabalo rako na adik d i pud ka..hahaha... mmm.. I bequeath to you my talent of being paras at times nga bc silang tanan..samuka jud cla gen..pag mag utang ang isa utang tanan..pag magkaon ang isa kaon jud tanan...para pag ting sweldo hurot bayad sa utang..hahahaha..(evil laugh)..btaw, gen palac...sa iyo ko pinauubaya ang pag ka amaw..lab u gen.
To my only student..(waaa..ambot ngano pud nga nituo ni xa sa ako..hahaha)..Valen..bata..hehehe...oi basin baya ug nanganad ka na tawagon ug bata..tigulang na raba ka..ayaw pagpalabi oi..hehe..valen you're not getting any younger so think maturely and wisely. In life you can't stay forever young in mind..you have to think and act old because there are many things and situations in this world only old and mature individuals can understand. When it comes to Michael, padayon lang sa imo gibati.crush ra btaw..it's harmless but kung mulampas pa mo beyond that (kana kung nireply na xa sa imong tx..hehehe)...you should be very happy and responsible. Seldom lang maabot ang event na magdayon mo sa imong crush. And if ever, if lang pud makauyab na ka hinay2x lang..ok? Undangi na na imong SS501 kay di na ma imo... mabuang nalang ka ana... sila wa kaila sa imo...PUYO!
And lastly to Rutty..iya kong idol when it comes to sexiness..waaaa,..btaw don't you worry so much sa imong body mao ng uso karon(ask ate gani..hehehe)..your simplicity shows your true beauty. I know you are a responsible ate because it shows and you will be blessed because of that. But your being responsible doesn't mean you have to forget your own happiness. You have your friends who are always there who support you and that is one of your treasures. Don't underestimate your self because you're the only one "living rutty girl" in this world. Keep your self -esteem at it's peak. Be confident. It's incessant that you will face trials in life but all these things are unwrapped gifts...you are the one who will find it's true gift...a gift that will bring you happiness and satisfaction. Don't' you give up. You're beautiful and you have to know that.
Hay..mao lang na ako maiingon..BYE nah.....hehe btaw guys I will miss you so much..i will always remember you and whatever happens in the future I'm the same Goldy. Oding, goldax or cge nalang adik pud...that you have known..magkita ra jpon tah..ayaw mo ug drama dra...Love you Smart girls...
AHEM....!
Before I will leave the office and will not see you guys for maybe days or weeks I have to drop something special.hehehe....dili regalo ah!
Let's begin with Ate Anet...
Ate thank you for being the person that you are. Thank you for being the ATE of the group. To us girls you have been so caring like every ate's in the world do. To you ate I bequeath my talent of saying “ Mangaon tah”...ikaw ate ang musonod sa akong mga yapak na palakaon..bira ate! Hantod buhi pa ta kaon jud but don't you worry kay naa man ka diet strategy courtesy of your mother..ahehehe..ate I hope when I see you again naka score naka..hahaha..btaw ate..seriously whether HE will arrive or not, I am still wishing you life full of love. Singleness doesn't mean you have nothing. It only says that you have enough love to be offered to everyone, equal and sincere. Lab u ate.
To Palac, the future adik next to me..hahaha..ambot ani niya oi maulaw pa cguro xa ug pakita sa iyang true colors..hawja palac!ayb nah!...btaw, among the girls it's you that I haven't spend so much time like sa camiguin but it doesn't matter at all kay eventually nakabalo rako na adik d i pud ka..hahaha... mmm.. I bequeath to you my talent of being paras at times nga bc silang tanan..samuka jud cla gen..pag mag utang ang isa utang tanan..pag magkaon ang isa kaon jud tanan...para pag ting sweldo hurot bayad sa utang..hahahaha..(evil laugh)..btaw, gen palac...sa iyo ko pinauubaya ang pag ka amaw..lab u gen.
To my only student..(waaa..ambot ngano pud nga nituo ni xa sa ako..hahaha)..Valen..bata..hehehe...oi basin baya ug nanganad ka na tawagon ug bata..tigulang na raba ka..ayaw pagpalabi oi..hehe..valen you're not getting any younger so think maturely and wisely. In life you can't stay forever young in mind..you have to think and act old because there are many things and situations in this world only old and mature individuals can understand. When it comes to Michael, padayon lang sa imo gibati.crush ra btaw..it's harmless but kung mulampas pa mo beyond that (kana kung nireply na xa sa imong tx..hehehe)...you should be very happy and responsible. Seldom lang maabot ang event na magdayon mo sa imong crush. And if ever, if lang pud makauyab na ka hinay2x lang..ok? Undangi na na imong SS501 kay di na ma imo... mabuang nalang ka ana... sila wa kaila sa imo...PUYO!
And lastly to Rutty..iya kong idol when it comes to sexiness..waaaa,..btaw don't you worry so much sa imong body mao ng uso karon(ask ate gani..hehehe)..your simplicity shows your true beauty. I know you are a responsible ate because it shows and you will be blessed because of that. But your being responsible doesn't mean you have to forget your own happiness. You have your friends who are always there who support you and that is one of your treasures. Don't underestimate your self because you're the only one "living rutty girl" in this world. Keep your self -esteem at it's peak. Be confident. It's incessant that you will face trials in life but all these things are unwrapped gifts...you are the one who will find it's true gift...a gift that will bring you happiness and satisfaction. Don't' you give up. You're beautiful and you have to know that.
Hay..mao lang na ako maiingon..BYE nah.....hehe btaw guys I will miss you so much..i will always remember you and whatever happens in the future I'm the same Goldy. Oding, goldax or cge nalang adik pud...that you have known..magkita ra jpon tah..ayaw mo ug drama dra...Love you Smart girls...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
It's My Birthday
It’s my 22nd year here on earth and I feel very blessed.
Instead of celebrating this day for myself I would like to thank the people who have made this 22nd birthday the happiest day ever.
Sako mama na walang kapantay ang Love ug pagkaparas (master sa kaadikan)..hehehe
...the best mom in the world there is.
Mama thank you for all the visible things that you have given me and even for those unseen gifts .Lab you mother. Words are not enough to compliment you for being the strongest and daring person I’ve ever known.
To my brothers na mga pasaway..Thank you nalang sad..hehehe…
...for making me angry and irritated mostly during the awkward times..
How I wish magmature namong duha kay two of you are pain in the ass..hahaha
Sakong mga adik na friends…high school and college friends. Then and now..Same adik people..hehehe
Thank you for letting me show my unique personality and thanks 'coz you’re not bothered by it.
Thanks for the patience and acceptance that my illness has no cure..hahaha..
Pero maskin ani ko I know palangga kau ko ninyo..hahaha..(ayaw ng palag!)
(sorry wala ko pix with others eh!next time nalang..)
To my smart family..ahehehe..kani sila for eight months I don’t know how they manage to understand me..hahaha..(napugos guro ni sila bah..) haha..btaw I’m very thankful that I’ve known such people. We’ve shared many funny, irritating and stressful moments but the ultimate moments were the times we laughed on silly nonsense things..adik pud kau ni cla..ambot aha ni sila nagliwat…(hahaha…eyes roll..)
And most of all thank you God for the endless love. I have failed and disappointed you countless times already and yet you never felt tired of showing me that there are good things that will come my way. I owe everything to you. I wish that I will be able to have that strength to follow everything that you will tell me because I know that you will lead me to my own success and happiness.
Haaaayyyy..it’s always good to feel this way. I’m so grateful for the 22 years I’ve been here fighting the trials of life and celebrating every moment of triumph.
Before, I keep on searching for the happiness and satisfaction that I hardly noticed I already got them all. (^_^)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ODING!!
A year to leave
A new year to live.
Instead of celebrating this day for myself I would like to thank the people who have made this 22nd birthday the happiest day ever.
Sako mama na walang kapantay ang Love ug pagkaparas (master sa kaadikan)..hehehe
...the best mom in the world there is.
Mama thank you for all the visible things that you have given me and even for those unseen gifts .Lab you mother. Words are not enough to compliment you for being the strongest and daring person I’ve ever known.
To my brothers na mga pasaway..Thank you nalang sad..hehehe…
...for making me angry and irritated mostly during the awkward times..
How I wish magmature namong duha kay two of you are pain in the ass..hahaha
Sakong mga adik na friends…high school and college friends. Then and now..Same adik people..hehehe
Thank you for letting me show my unique personality and thanks 'coz you’re not bothered by it.
Thanks for the patience and acceptance that my illness has no cure..hahaha..
Pero maskin ani ko I know palangga kau ko ninyo..hahaha..(ayaw ng palag!)
(sorry wala ko pix with others eh!next time nalang..)
To my smart family..ahehehe..kani sila for eight months I don’t know how they manage to understand me..hahaha..(napugos guro ni sila bah..) haha..btaw I’m very thankful that I’ve known such people. We’ve shared many funny, irritating and stressful moments but the ultimate moments were the times we laughed on silly nonsense things..adik pud kau ni cla..ambot aha ni sila nagliwat…(hahaha…eyes roll..)
And most of all thank you God for the endless love. I have failed and disappointed you countless times already and yet you never felt tired of showing me that there are good things that will come my way. I owe everything to you. I wish that I will be able to have that strength to follow everything that you will tell me because I know that you will lead me to my own success and happiness.
Haaaayyyy..it’s always good to feel this way. I’m so grateful for the 22 years I’ve been here fighting the trials of life and celebrating every moment of triumph.
Before, I keep on searching for the happiness and satisfaction that I hardly noticed I already got them all. (^_^)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ODING!!
A year to leave
A new year to live.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Letting Go of My First Love
“First Love never dies”. This is the cliché we usually hear when we talk about the first person we loved. It sounds boring listening to it over and over again but this timeless phrase just recently showed its true meaning to me.
He is my first crush.
My first love.
My first poem.
My first heartbreak.
My ideal man.
I had my first eye on him when I was in Grade 3.(if my memory serves me right). During that age, there was no time for crushes; there were only games, fun and recess. (Everyone’s favorite subject..hahaha). Not until I had a glance of him – that cute little boy bearing the sweet smile on his face.
Since then, I had a hidden affection of him- I had my first crush. It was my secret but not with the other girls in the room because he was admired by everyone. (Does the word “campus crush" fit?
My feelings for him grew as we progressed, reaching the sixth grade. My admiration never faded; in fact I wrote my first poem dedicated to the boy who introduced the word love to my young, naive heart. It was a poem which later became the first melody I learned to sing.
My adoration for that boy lasted until my high school years and I realized he was my ultimate crush and this time, it was no longer a secret. Everyone knew that he was indeed the boy I’m dying to have and like any typical girl I always imagined his face, his smile. I always wanted to see him but his presence always made me shiver.
My wonder and reverie about him only stopped when I had my first boyfriend. I was in the last year of my high school, old enough to understand that during this stage only puppy love exists – nothing serious and yet I wanted to savor every moment with the first boy who courageously confessed his feelings for me.
The image of the boy whom I used to fancy eventually vanished, maybe because I now have the other boy who makes me laugh and nervous at the same time. And like any other tales about first puppy love – mine also never lasted.
From then on, I learned that even there was nothing serious about puppy love – it would still hurt.
As college years became tougher, with all the major subjects to attend to, I never noticed any guys I would want to flirt. My attention was focused in having the flat one grade in every subject. (Glad I did it but being a nerd is not a compliment. sucks!)
Then one night, a beep changed everything a text coming from – guess who? "the boy with the sweet smile". My world stopped for a while, seeing those flash backs in my mind – made me shiver again – I smiled. (^_^)
The hi’s and hellos went into serious conversation about life, studies and love. Unknowingly my feelings for him was relived maybe because this love I felt for him was never gone – it just rested – waiting for the right time. I was the luckiest and happiest girl at the moment when he said “I love you”. The words I longed to hear from the boy now turned into a man – whom I always – always admired.
He was my first serious boyfriend, though miles apart, I felt love. If I would count the time, it was almost two years. Two long years of being his girl, two years of feeling the love I wanted to have, two years of being with the person who perfectly fits my ideal love, two years of believing that this love will lead us into something more beautiful – a blessing. It was two years of struggling to fight that one day, maybe one day we will see each other again and share the love we have for each other.
But that two years were just nothing when within a second – it died. And together with that two years, I also died, my first taste of death coming from my first love.(sighs)
The pain I felt when he ended everything left me lifeless, barely breathing and he never knew about it. He cared less, not interested whether I was okay or not.
The heartbreak was like a curse which I never deserved. My first love also became my first pain and my first hate. But the agony did not stop there, another death came, it was my father’s.
Just as I started to heal myself, a new anguish shattered my world into pieces. Time and life were never kind to me then. All the sufferings came into my life one by one, blow by blow knocking me down; leaving me a deep wound silently bleeding.
I endured all the pain and the hurt I’m feeling inside. Though it was almost unbearable, I tried to live and pretend to be strong because I don’t want to look as if I’m the loser. A sense of pride. (The only thing left in my wretched life)
I hated him. I cursed him for the bitterness he brought to my life. I shut all the doors, protecting myself and my heart from getting hurt again. I became a wimp, sobbing in the corner of my own devastated world. I avoided love and it’s all because of him.
Yes, I was conscious that I’m doing all of these hypocrisy to hide the truth that I still love him. Well I tried to fight back and tried to get over with him but how could it happen when all the qualities I’m looking for – when every time I described the guy I want, his image always appears. When I’m always asked what kind of guy will win my heart, unconsciously I am simply describing him. All these years, I’m still looking for the man having the same attributes that he has – my ideal man. My first love.
It took three years for me to get over not because I finally moved on but because time let me forget everything.
It was also three years that I didn’t give my heart a try.
I carried the grief and hatred for three long years and I know it was a burden. I’m just trying to withstand it inside of me. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. I also know that until I have not forgiven him I will forever live stuck with his image – stuck in my past.
Then last night, he appeared again in my life after three years of waiting. I know that it was the right time for me to settle everything – to reveal all the anguish I kept all this time.
“The person who caused the pain is also the same person who can cure it”
“You are the man I will always love. You are the image of the man I would want to love. You are the man who will remain to be my ideal man.”
Those were the words I said.
Words that would finally forgive him. The words that would let me go from my old self.
Forgiveness and acceptance were the things that helped me realize to set myself free.
Living in pain was never happy nor taking revenge would heal it.
In life you always have to remember that heartbreaks exist and you don’t have to worry because those will lead you to the person patiently waiting with his open arms ready to embrace you.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The Secret Remains
In our individual lives we keep some things left unseen that even our family or friends don't have any idea.We do this because sometimes we are afraid that they will not understand us.We are afraid that they will misunderstood our feelings giving us only depression and disappointment.
But when worst comes to worst, we can never burden ourselves to keep those secrets to remain as secrets forever.We may even feel ashamed remembering those childish secrets we use to hide. We laughed at those awkward situations where we have been caught and we even cry when we remind ourselves of all the agony we experienced.(good thing we passed it all through..)
It could have been better if it's not difficult to unravel all the secrets we carefully keep inside in our deepest ego.It could have been much easy if we know how to tell those secrets that haunt us every time we feel alone and deserted.
But the urge to say yes is always defeated by no. The desire to say I can is always engulfed by the
strong power of I can't.
Now tell me who are we to dig others secrets? Who are we to reveal the clandestine pursuits of some people who are afraid to reveal it themselves?
I may say that even those people are very dear to our hearts we cannot command
them to say what they don't want to say.And I may say that I cannot even convince myself to tell the secrets I myself only know.
Secrets are part of my being.
Even my closest friends can't guess those secrets I hide but I would rather keep those secrets hidden than to expose those mysteries.
Keeping my secrets have may or may not brought good results in my life because...
the more I keep my secrets the more distant I am to people
the more I hide my secrets the more people say I don't understand
the more I deny my secrets the more people tell me
Hearing those words are irritating but as time passed I learned to love it..so I
embraced the word weird with all my heart to describe myself.
I am the unfathomable human being ..
misunderstood..
and abandoned in my own world..
I don't care?I care less? at times yes..at times no..
I tell you it is not easy to be tagged as weird and the unfathomable one...
(unless you are as strong as i am..well i have to!)
and ask me when will I learn to dump this unfathomable personality?
I will never..
ask me when will my secrets be divulge?
I guess those secrets will remain to be secrets until the time comes that I'll be brave enough to scream it loud so that everybody could hear it.
But when worst comes to worst, we can never burden ourselves to keep those secrets to remain as secrets forever.We may even feel ashamed remembering those childish secrets we use to hide. We laughed at those awkward situations where we have been caught and we even cry when we remind ourselves of all the agony we experienced.(good thing we passed it all through..)
It could have been better if it's not difficult to unravel all the secrets we carefully keep inside in our deepest ego.It could have been much easy if we know how to tell those secrets that haunt us every time we feel alone and deserted.
But the urge to say yes is always defeated by no. The desire to say I can is always engulfed by the
strong power of I can't.
Now tell me who are we to dig others secrets? Who are we to reveal the clandestine pursuits of some people who are afraid to reveal it themselves?
I may say that even those people are very dear to our hearts we cannot command
them to say what they don't want to say.And I may say that I cannot even convince myself to tell the secrets I myself only know.
Secrets are part of my being.
Even my closest friends can't guess those secrets I hide but I would rather keep those secrets hidden than to expose those mysteries.
Keeping my secrets have may or may not brought good results in my life because...
the more I keep my secrets the more distant I am to people
the more I hide my secrets the more people say I don't understand
the more I deny my secrets the more people tell me
you're weird
Hearing those words are irritating but as time passed I learned to love it..so I
embraced the word weird with all my heart to describe myself.
I am the unfathomable human being ..
misunderstood..
and abandoned in my own world..
I don't care?I care less? at times yes..at times no..
I tell you it is not easy to be tagged as weird and the unfathomable one...
(unless you are as strong as i am..well i have to!)
and ask me when will I learn to dump this unfathomable personality?
I will never..
ask me when will my secrets be divulge?
I guess those secrets will remain to be secrets until the time comes that I'll be brave enough to scream it loud so that everybody could hear it.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
UNSPOKEN WORDS
Five minutes before I will leave the office, a friend of mine posted this song (blame it on her why I'm feeling sad today..atay ka miat!)
Hearing the song made my heart bitter.
I think I will never learn to let go.I have written a blog for him but until now I couldn't finish it because I can't find the right words on how to say goodbye to him.
"You can let go now daddy"
I think I can't and will never learn how to say it.
I was not ready letting him go. I am not and never will be.
You Can Let Go Now Daddy
Wind blowin’ on my face
Sidewalk flyin’ beneath my bike
A five year-old’s first taste
Of what freedom’s really like
He was runnin’ right beside me
His hand holdin’ on the seat
I took a deep breath and hollered
As I headed for the street
You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It’s still a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
I was standin’ at the altar
Between the two loves of my life
To one I’ve been a daughter
To one I soon would be a wife
When the preacher asked,
‘Who gives this woman?’
Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears
He kept holdin’ tightly to my arm
‘Till I whispered in his ear
You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It still feels a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
It was killin’ me to see
The strongest man I ever knew
Wastin’ away to nothin’
In that hospital room
‘You know he’s only hangin’ on for you’
That’s what the night nurse said
My voice and heart were breakin’
As I crawled up in his bed, and said
You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Your little girl is ready
To do this on my own
It’s gonna be a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
You can let go
Hearing the song made my heart bitter.
I think I will never learn to let go.I have written a blog for him but until now I couldn't finish it because I can't find the right words on how to say goodbye to him.
"You can let go now daddy"
I think I can't and will never learn how to say it.
I was not ready letting him go. I am not and never will be.
You Can Let Go Now Daddy
Wind blowin’ on my face
Sidewalk flyin’ beneath my bike
A five year-old’s first taste
Of what freedom’s really like
He was runnin’ right beside me
His hand holdin’ on the seat
I took a deep breath and hollered
As I headed for the street
You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It’s still a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
I was standin’ at the altar
Between the two loves of my life
To one I’ve been a daughter
To one I soon would be a wife
When the preacher asked,
‘Who gives this woman?’
Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears
He kept holdin’ tightly to my arm
‘Till I whispered in his ear
You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Oh, I think I’m ready
To do this on my own
It still feels a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
It was killin’ me to see
The strongest man I ever knew
Wastin’ away to nothin’
In that hospital room
‘You know he’s only hangin’ on for you’
That’s what the night nurse said
My voice and heart were breakin’
As I crawled up in his bed, and said
You can let go now, Daddy
You can let go
Your little girl is ready
To do this on my own
It’s gonna be a little bit scary
But I want you to know
I’ll be ok now, Daddy
You can let go
You can let go
Friday, October 2, 2009
The Laws Of Life
I hate the way how life lays down its rules.Rules which govern the entire human existence.
Well in my own opinion, human beings have a share with these rules. Maybe both the world and humans (intentionally or unintentionally ) have something to do with these exasperating and childish laws… and I have to say I hate it so much.
I hate the way rules and laws influenced people’s live.
Laws of human.
Laws of nature.
Laws of the court.
Laws of love.
Laws of friendship.
Laws of God.
Laws of laws.
Have it ever came to your mind wishing you have’nt existed?
I bet the answer is either of the following:
- No because God has a reason why He created me.
- I love the way how my life goes.
- No because my life is worth living. I have my family, friends who love me.
Pathetic! (oopps...no offense...)
Why do we always love to deceive other people?
Why do we keep fooling ourselves believing that life is wonderful?
Life is not wonderful.
Life is not like the way we want to imagine it. Life is never fantastic.
Actually, it never did.
Yes, maybe we can say that life has been great when we are in ecstasy. We say that life is worth living when we all have the kind of happiness in our grasps.
Happiness with family, happiness with career, happiness with our loved ones, happiness with money, happiness with having all the things we want.
But what happens when all of these do not exist?
Life isn’t that interesting, is it?
How you’d wish to die just to conceal all the insecurities and doubts,... just to end the suffering that keeps on giving you that sting . How you’d wish to end the world right at the moment when you finally say “I give up”.
We say life is a blessing when in fact behind this is a life of tedium….of defeats..of failures…of misery.
How ironic we define life as marvelous when after a second we describe it as a curse..(am I right?)
Why do we spoil this kind of attitude? Maybe because of the laws that the world have brought to us.
We are afraid of becoming pessimistic at times because people might say “ how miserable you have become”.. ( as if they know how it feels to be one)
We are afraid to hurt someone because people might condemn you as inhumane…( as if those people who hurt me know this..duuhhh!)
We are afraid not to forgive someone because people might say "God doesn’t want us to keep grudges to others "(as if grudge comes before anger..don’t make me irate so I won’t feel grudge..idiot!)
We are afraid to feel rue about our past deeds because people might say "everything happens for a reason" ( and I am trying my best to believe this..)
We are afraid to be candid because people might say “ hey watch your word my dear" ( as if keeping secrets will make things better)
We are afraid to look bad because people might ask " is that the way your parent brought you up?"..(who's perfect anyway,,ha?ha? ayb nah!)
We are afraid not to say to our boyfriend/girlfriend that we don’t love them anymore because people will tell “oh dear you're just confused” ( so we try to fix the mess only to know the other one had already cheated on you)
We are afraid to admit to ourselves that we are totally exhausted of this life because we have that fear that when this truth is revealed everything will fall apart and there would be no one..absolutely no one person to save us.
We are afraid to tell right in our very faces that we are a total fiasco because we are frightened that it will only impede our search for success.
We are afraid to confront all the fears we kept inside.
We are all afraid of life.
Everything here is a taboo even if we do like it or not.
Why can’t we be humans? Why can’t we show how the way humans should behave? Why can’t we consider the fact that if there’s good...there is evil? Both are inseparable.
Why can’t we live our lives the way we wanted it to be? Why and why?
Maybe Because we are afraid to break the laws.
This is how the influx of life goes. If you’re not the winner, you're the loser. If you're not happy then you're in the state of bleak.
Simple thoughts yet too complicated to make it simple.
We are the prisoners of our own laws
We are under the fist of the laws we ourselves made.
We are held down by the laws which we don't even know where it would lead us.
Now tell me,which of these laws you secretly follow?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Journey of Becoming Me....
Every time I hold a pen or stare at the computer, I can always hear a voice telling me, “write..write..you need to write”. The voice tries to cast a spell on me so that when it wins, something “literary of the weird” comes out.
I have always loved writing and I will love it for the rest of my life. But as much as I wanted to....as much as the voice throws more hocus-pocus on me to get me going, my mind would just hang-up, making no response to a lass who dreams to be a good writer. The more I force my mind, the more it thinks about nothing, the more it says no.
My psyche is just too occupied with thoughts I never wanted to conceive. My mind is too busy to think of perfect words that human beings will understand. My mind is too clouded with teeming worries, unnecessary stress and fancies. My mind is too brave to refuse but too coward to admit that I have a lot of things to write but I don’t know where to begin and what word would completely fit the introduction.
I have already devoured all the pages of my notes but still the same nonsense thoughts appear. I tried to read it again, making it more exasperating as ever. How pathetic. How can I dream of becoming a writer when I cannot even convince myself of the words I wrote?
Envious. Irate. Despondent.
Because the dream I’m dreaming is now unreachable, indomitable.
I wallowed into a lunacy that deeply disappointed me after all the intrepid trying and struggling. Well I guess I am just a flimsy, ambitious young woman diving into a cliff down to the world of the geniuses. Crap! The poorest triumph in my lists.
Disappointed, I put down my pen, shut the monitor and said “it’s over”. I have to put an end to a dream that seems to be a bluff.
"Life goes on". The cliché uttered by the defeated. I walked along the journey following the blurry vision of the path towards the dull future.
Unguided, I was totally lost.
I am a vestige of my own life.
A stigma.
Then one day a man approached me through his book saying “When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointments, defeat and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way”. Reading his lines is like an elixir to my dying soul.
Blood rushes, the intrinsic talent reincarnates, the tenacity becomes stronger.
Dedicated. Zealous. Exuberant.
I started again. I became an instant avid fan of myself – the author. I discarded all the doubts, forgotten the fears and veered to a new life. I watch myself yielding to the culmination of my dreams bringing with me the strength and inspiration I gathered along my vicious walk in this world.
I have crossed an impassable gulf of hapless moments of my life, now I face new intricate challenges in my journey. I am aware of the countless encumbrances, procrastinations and random failures along the way that will yanked me to the hell world of the forsaken but it will never stop me from dreaming.
I’m back for my vendetta and this time I’m going to win.
I will never fail myself because failure is unforgivable.
That’s why I persist. I insist.
I wrote my own story, I dream my own dream and with God I will love the life that He gave to me.
For Him I offer everything.
My success
My dream
Myself
Me
The young woman He named Goldy.
Monday, August 10, 2009
When Destiny Speaks
In one isolated corner of this world, I found myself writing about different walks of life. I write about love, friendship, heartbreaks, pain, hatred, disappointment and even about death. But even how many words and ideas I write, I still can't come up with the right words to define life. Maybe it is one of the many mysteries that I need to discover on my own, I thought.
How do I start to unveil the mystery of life enclosed with many doubts and fears? How would I discover the true meaning of life when I am trapped with a restricted world? Restricted. YES, because even how much I wanted to explore and soar by myself I could not do it - I can't dare to try even a single step.
At the time I started to ask myself this question -- " What is my destiny?"-- it never stops asking until now because at this very moment I am still caught with the same question.
I share my life with few people. Those "few" includes my family, friends, workmates and strangers I never welcomed. It sounds boring for some but I would rather stay with people who can make me special despite of my mishaps than to be with those whom I conceal my real personality.
I was never lucky to be given much of luxury. The luxury of travel and the luxury of spoiling my time. I envy those who have enjoyed much of everything in this world. The people who never hesitated to act whatever consequences they might encounter along the way. The people who were never afraid of the risks they might stumble upon making their decisions.
How could it be that my desire to do such things argue with the principle and values in life? How could it be that two good things still don't seem to fit to make things go well? How could be the desire of living life to the fullest is bombarded with the pressure of becoming responsible and mature in unexpected time? How could I enjoy and laugh my heart out with what I am doing when every time I come home I am welcomed by tears and grieves of the past?
With these questions left unanswered, I came to rest and took a pause for a few minutes. And I came up with these lines.
"I still believe in my own destiny and it is here in my own quiet world I will wait for that destiny to unfold. Maybe for now it is my destiny to write things about what I hear and see but when my destiny speaks I will listen and will push myself to walk along with it".
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Dying in fame - Pres. Corazon Aquino Bids her Final Goodbye
I hardly know facts about politics. The people who crave for it,who fight and die for it. I don't even know the names of prominent politicians who make their own dramatic stories just to become the people's hero. But on this day August 1, 2009, one name became the nations subject to talk about - the death of Former President Corazon Aquino.
Corazon Aquino became the mother of the nation because of the sudden death of her husband, Benigno " Ninoy" Aquino who was then a senator who courageously fight against the Marcos Administration . His death became an instant Philippine's history and his wife Cory Aquino continued to make that history being the first woman to be the President of the Philippines and of Asia.
I have a vague information on how Cory Aquino became the president and how it ended. Maybe because I was not born on that era yet and even up to now I don' have the clear idea of what happened during her regime. Not because I am too indifferent who doesn't care about my country, it's just that I am too tired of understanding politics, too tired of knowing the politicians and too tired to listen on their whims.
But with Cory Aquino all I heard were about prayers, a loving and supportive mother and a caring and cheerful lola. She is an icon of many politicians, a fan of democracy and a fighter and defender of the rights of every Filipinos. She was the light of the nation when it is triggered by greed of power, money and injustice. Her words and opinions are heard in the world of politics.
As she continued to serve this country through her prayers she faced her own battle and she brought with her the strong faith that inspired many individuals - the rich and the poor. Together with this nation, prayers were uttered to make her win the battle she's into and today her battle ended.
Filipinos mourn for losing a woman of faith, a woman of democracy,a woman of this nation,a woman who brings hope to this nation. Pres. Cory Aquino may bid farewell to her beloved nation and to us Filipinos but her ideals will live forever in every Filipino's heart.
Her death show us how brave she was, fighting the pain of her illness, fighting to survive yet one thing that she never fight about is the final day that God wants her to rest. She showed us the true courage of a warrior and the total surrender when herMaster tells her so.
Corazon Aquino became the mother of the nation because of the sudden death of her husband, Benigno " Ninoy" Aquino who was then a senator who courageously fight against the Marcos Administration . His death became an instant Philippine's history and his wife Cory Aquino continued to make that history being the first woman to be the President of the Philippines and of Asia.
I have a vague information on how Cory Aquino became the president and how it ended. Maybe because I was not born on that era yet and even up to now I don' have the clear idea of what happened during her regime. Not because I am too indifferent who doesn't care about my country, it's just that I am too tired of understanding politics, too tired of knowing the politicians and too tired to listen on their whims.
But with Cory Aquino all I heard were about prayers, a loving and supportive mother and a caring and cheerful lola. She is an icon of many politicians, a fan of democracy and a fighter and defender of the rights of every Filipinos. She was the light of the nation when it is triggered by greed of power, money and injustice. Her words and opinions are heard in the world of politics.
As she continued to serve this country through her prayers she faced her own battle and she brought with her the strong faith that inspired many individuals - the rich and the poor. Together with this nation, prayers were uttered to make her win the battle she's into and today her battle ended.
Filipinos mourn for losing a woman of faith, a woman of democracy,a woman of this nation,a woman who brings hope to this nation. Pres. Cory Aquino may bid farewell to her beloved nation and to us Filipinos but her ideals will live forever in every Filipino's heart.
Her death show us how brave she was, fighting the pain of her illness, fighting to survive yet one thing that she never fight about is the final day that God wants her to rest. She showed us the true courage of a warrior and the total surrender when herMaster tells her so.
Praise to President Corazon Aquino!Thanks To President Corazon Aquino! May she rest well in the hands of her Master!
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