“First Love never dies”. This is the cliché we usually hear when we talk about the first person we loved. It sounds boring listening to it over and over again but this timeless phrase just recently showed its true meaning to me.
He is my first crush.
My first love.
My first poem.
My first heartbreak.
My ideal man.
I had my first eye on him when I was in Grade 3.(if my memory serves me right). During that age, there was no time for crushes; there were only games, fun and recess. (Everyone’s favorite subject..hahaha). Not until I had a glance of him – that cute little boy bearing the sweet smile on his face.
Since then, I had a hidden affection of him- I had my first crush. It was my secret but not with the other girls in the room because he was admired by everyone. (Does the word “campus crush" fit?
My feelings for him grew as we progressed, reaching the sixth grade. My admiration never faded; in fact I wrote my first poem dedicated to the boy who introduced the word love to my young, naive heart. It was a poem which later became the first melody I learned to sing.
My adoration for that boy lasted until my high school years and I realized he was my ultimate crush and this time, it was no longer a secret. Everyone knew that he was indeed the boy I’m dying to have and like any typical girl I always imagined his face, his smile. I always wanted to see him but his presence always made me shiver.
My wonder and reverie about him only stopped when I had my first boyfriend. I was in the last year of my high school, old enough to understand that during this stage only puppy love exists – nothing serious and yet I wanted to savor every moment with the first boy who courageously confessed his feelings for me.
The image of the boy whom I used to fancy eventually vanished, maybe because I now have the other boy who makes me laugh and nervous at the same time. And like any other tales about first puppy love – mine also never lasted.
From then on, I learned that even there was nothing serious about puppy love – it would still hurt.
As college years became tougher, with all the major subjects to attend to, I never noticed any guys I would want to flirt. My attention was focused in having the flat one grade in every subject. (Glad I did it but being a nerd is not a compliment. sucks!)
Then one night, a beep changed everything a text coming from – guess who? "the boy with the sweet smile". My world stopped for a while, seeing those flash backs in my mind – made me shiver again – I smiled. (^_^)
The hi’s and hellos went into serious conversation about life, studies and love. Unknowingly my feelings for him was relived maybe because this love I felt for him was never gone – it just rested – waiting for the right time. I was the luckiest and happiest girl at the moment when he said “I love you”. The words I longed to hear from the boy now turned into a man – whom I always – always admired.
He was my first serious boyfriend, though miles apart, I felt love. If I would count the time, it was almost two years. Two long years of being his girl, two years of feeling the love I wanted to have, two years of being with the person who perfectly fits my ideal love, two years of believing that this love will lead us into something more beautiful – a blessing. It was two years of struggling to fight that one day, maybe one day we will see each other again and share the love we have for each other.
But that two years were just nothing when within a second – it died. And together with that two years, I also died, my first taste of death coming from my first love.(sighs)
The pain I felt when he ended everything left me lifeless, barely breathing and he never knew about it. He cared less, not interested whether I was okay or not.
The heartbreak was like a curse which I never deserved. My first love also became my first pain and my first hate. But the agony did not stop there, another death came, it was my father’s.
Just as I started to heal myself, a new anguish shattered my world into pieces. Time and life were never kind to me then. All the sufferings came into my life one by one, blow by blow knocking me down; leaving me a deep wound silently bleeding.
I endured all the pain and the hurt I’m feeling inside. Though it was almost unbearable, I tried to live and pretend to be strong because I don’t want to look as if I’m the loser. A sense of pride. (The only thing left in my wretched life)
I hated him. I cursed him for the bitterness he brought to my life. I shut all the doors, protecting myself and my heart from getting hurt again. I became a wimp, sobbing in the corner of my own devastated world. I avoided love and it’s all because of him.
Yes, I was conscious that I’m doing all of these hypocrisy to hide the truth that I still love him. Well I tried to fight back and tried to get over with him but how could it happen when all the qualities I’m looking for – when every time I described the guy I want, his image always appears. When I’m always asked what kind of guy will win my heart, unconsciously I am simply describing him. All these years, I’m still looking for the man having the same attributes that he has – my ideal man. My first love.
It took three years for me to get over not because I finally moved on but because time let me forget everything.
It was also three years that I didn’t give my heart a try.
I carried the grief and hatred for three long years and I know it was a burden. I’m just trying to withstand it inside of me. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. I also know that until I have not forgiven him I will forever live stuck with his image – stuck in my past.
Then last night, he appeared again in my life after three years of waiting. I know that it was the right time for me to settle everything – to reveal all the anguish I kept all this time.
“The person who caused the pain is also the same person who can cure it”
“You are the man I will always love. You are the image of the man I would want to love. You are the man who will remain to be my ideal man.”
Those were the words I said.
Words that would finally forgive him. The words that would let me go from my old self.
Forgiveness and acceptance were the things that helped me realize to set myself free.
Living in pain was never happy nor taking revenge would heal it.
In life you always have to remember that heartbreaks exist and you don’t have to worry because those will lead you to the person patiently waiting with his open arms ready to embrace you.
