I hate to see myself in pain. I hate to see myself in anger. I neither want to see myself in grudge nor to see myself suffer because of it. But all of these happened even if I don’t want too. Why? Because people around me love to see worst things thrown on me. Maybe I’m one of those lead actresses who are beaten up by villains but in my case I don’t receive any awards or compliments from the tears and screams or for the slaps and blows they have given me.
Just as I thought I started to recover…just as I thought it was over…the wounds that are not yet healed are calling for vengeance and I hate it.
Three years ago I died and it was the worst feeling that one could ever imagine. I eat, sleep, talk, walk, and think …I do all things that a normal person does but the only difference is that I hate to laugh, smile, and be with people. I curse boys, relationships, promises and even love. I hated them all just as I hated life so much. I am the living dead with no emotions at all. Imagine all things and people around you laughing out loud and living their lives happily while you are in an isolated corner of this world, crouching in pain..The kind of place you never wished for yourself. I often ask why the people you love are the same people who will let you feel the pain. The worst thing is when they have all moved on and yet you are left behind still suffering for the pain that those people have caused you. How bitter. How pathetic. How awful.
Three years ago I died and it was the moment where hope did not exist. Hope is only felt by people who still want to live but for me hope is a mere imagination, a fantasy of the weak. How could you still hope for someone or something when they have already given you up? How could you still convince yourself that there is still hope when you see yourself drowning in the deep, dark water of this unfair world and knowing that there is no one to save you?
Three years ago I died and I live my life alone. I learned to love the pain that people have blatantly showed me. I learned to be immune by the sufferings that life continuously troubles me. I learned to live my life with pain as my company and this pain will always live within me even if three years have already passed. This pain is already part of my being. Pain maybe a poisonous element in life but for me it is the thing that makes me strong and that will push me to keep going. I will always remember this pain because without it I will never survive life…three years ago.
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I am sorry if you were not there three years ago. I am sorry that you were not by my side to comfort me when I was breaking down. I am sorry that you cannot understand the feeling of being abandoned and rejected. I am sorry that you cannot understand a bit of my weirdness and lonely life. I am sorry that even if you tried and even how hard I tried I cannot explain the things that are happening around me and the feelings that make me suffer right now. In the first place how can I express what I’m feeling if I don’t understand it? I am sorry because the pain keeps on haunting me and you are not enough or should I say it is not that easy. How I wish you could feel the strange feeling that is creeping me every night. I am sorry that three years ago…. something happened in my life.
GOD... I am begging you to save me from the curse that I'm into because I am tired and I'm afraid I cannot bear it anymore.
Can anybody out there hear my call?
