“What is life?”…
The very prominent and boring question ever asked either on an autograph or during a high school essay. This undying question irritates me a lot for the fact that it is being asked a million times and I think of it as a nonsense and childish query. But to be honest, I refrain from answering this question because I cannot simply answer it. I cannot define life by merely basing it on what I have read, what I have seen and what I have experienced because doing so would make a stupid out of me. I cannot define life because I barely know what life is.
Maybe to make it simpler, I define life as an existence that is full of gladness, sadness, and trials, sacrifices, so on and so forth. See? There are too many adjectives that could possibly define what life is but I’m more comfortable with “LIFE IS COMPLICATED”. True enough it is complicated and yet…..
I made LIFE more complicated and HARD. And it started when I THINK BIG…TOO BIG, that I even THINK of the world too much. I over think and over do things to the point of putting the whole world in my hands. I am dreaming too big, expecting that I could undo the mistakes and frailty of the world and make it an ideal one. A world without imperfections, a life without predicaments, a life without a trace of ugly memories, tears and remorse. That is HOW I WANT TO DEFINE LIFE…
This disease of being PERFECT poisoned my being and worst, I hurt my family and loved ones. I condemned them for their mistakes and I made myself the creed, believing I am perfect and I can do everything right with this “RIGHTFUL MIND”. They say “Little knowledge can be a dangerous thing”, but I guess “Too much knowledge can ruin everything”.
I have missed the meaning of life just because I am too cautious of making mistakes. I am afraid that I will only be “A LIVING MISTAKE, A TOTAL FIASCO”. I hardly noticed that my cognition of a perfect world lead me to something different, something that looks like hell. (The thought of it, starts to frighten me.)
I lived my life beating my own standards and principles. I competed with my own self. That is why whether I win or loss, a part of me mourns for something I vaguely know. I perfectly set a plan for myself, envisioned a picture of a girl achieving goals, conquering dreams and inspiring others. I created this plot, mainly because I want something good, oh no!, SUPERB for myself and somehow this could be a chance I could boast a little.
And then something happens….
I dream big and when the world can’t suffice my dreams, I was disappointed. Disappointment kills me. It’s the worst feeling I can’t manage. I collapsed and I don’t know what life is after then.
Desperate I am I keep searching for the luck; I strived to look for the starting line so that I can make my initial step and yet again, I stumbled. And since I claimed to carry the burden of my loved ones, I thought I was alone and they cannot help me in whatever way. That was my mistake.
I have forgotten that my family and the people who love me were there to help me out. I am too selfish to take all the tasks that we should have shared with each other. And I became conscious of the truth that I cannot be a heroine just like I used to imagine. Damn Cinderella and X- Men!
My madness reached its limit; I went crazy, hysterical, stupid and damned. What a youthful experience!
But just like any other people, I made wrong decisions, I took the wrong step but amidst all, I still feel very lucky because I have figured out what are the things that are very dear to me.
My family
My friends
My faith
and myself.
However mad and stupid I have become, there are the only people who will understand my sickness. They are my REHAB and forever will be.
I miss living. I miss having fun. I miss life.
I still have an ample time and I won’t let it slip away from my hands again.
“You will live and so should I.”
What is life?
There’s the question again…..
And I came up with an answer ….
"Life is all about me and the people who will love me till the end."
