Envious Truth

Envy is a word I refuse to recognize because it’s a poison that would slowly destroy my entire being. But if it’s the word that fits my feeling tonight then let it be.

It’s been two years that I haven’t seen his façade nor felt his presence. I may have accepted his absence but never forgotten the pain.

And what would I do?

Simply ignore everything and go on?

Deceiving my self would be the last thing I would do because I cannot simply disregard the sting of pain every time I saw the sun sets and the clouds turn dark without hearing the words “Jing, get inside it’s getting late”.

I cannot simply close my eyes every time I see a daughter who clings to his father and tells “Be careful. Cars coming your way”.

I cannot simply deny the fact that I envy so much the scene of having a father who would always tell me “Beware of boys, you don’t know who’s telling the truth. Let me find it out for you then winks”.

All of these are fruits of envy I felt at the age of 23. And DAMN IT HURTS.

I cannot bury the picture of having the man who has always the instinct of protecting me.

Would I ever meet a man who would give up his life for someone like me?

Would I ever meet a man who gave my mother a life not perfect and the best yet a memory to always remember?

Would I ever meet a man who buys me ribbon and hair clips and say “Get a long straight hair because guys love it that way"?

Would I ever meet a man who will cook for me and serves one hot sizzling bowl of soup and tells “Eat and be satisfied”?

Would I ever meet a man who will gaze at me and say, “What are you wearing? Get dress again and make sure you won’t show any skin"?

Would I ever meet a man who will boast me in front of his boy friends and say, “My girl dances so well”?

Would I ever meet a man who takes me in the midst of a creepy forest hunting for strange blue birds?

Would I ever meet a man who lets go of me in a cliff and let me dive even if he knows I don't know how to swim?

Would I ever meet a man who will take revenge for me because I was hurt by someone?

Would I ever meet a man who will wake me up in the morning and takes me to slumber at night and sings me a Lullaby?

Would I ever feel safe with a man again?




Would I ever meet you again?



WOULD I?




No answer.




I guess these tears will always flow every time I will remember your innocent face smiling down at me.



And I guess I will miss you forever.

Closing cycles

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.
Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.
You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.
Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them.

Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood.
Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.”
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.



http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/10/12/closing-cycles-eng-espa-port/

My Tale of Love ( Mi cuento del amor )

You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love….. I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them … and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges.

“ Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away … and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges … giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too … and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting.


http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/10/04/readers-story-the-perfect-heart/

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Tears start to build up at the corner of my eyes while I read these beautiful lines. I have always been emotional and easily stirred by stories about love that I can relate to. (which is very contradictory, since I’m not a fan of romantic movies.) But anyway…..

I am truly idealistic when it comes to love and relationships. I am an admirer of fairytales, ideal man and dream boy. I had five relationships, fell in love three times and died three times. The latter changed my life into something I never wished for.

Perfectionist, choosy, fussy.

Whatever they call it, I’m not exactly what the word defines. I’m like any other ordinary girls, with just a unique character. And this uniqueness, I must admit makes everything hard.

“Every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love….. I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them … and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges.”

I love this line.

The very first time I have given my love was to a boy whom I considered to be my ideal man. Well, HE WAS, not until I found out that even the “almost” perfect man can still break a heart. I have given all my love to him and until now I’m still astonished knowing that a long time ago I had an enormous love to give. I tore out my heart for him, let it bled for him and eventually I let it died for him but because “the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges”. And up until now, I can see those rough edges turned into scars and I think it will reside here in my heart forever.

Yet there are times I like to remember the first time I fall in love. The feeling was heaven. It was ecstasy, sweet and wonderful. How I wish someday I can feel that feeling again and I wish someday I can call someone my “baby” again.

“Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away … and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me.”

I love this line.

The second round of my love story was different. Different because I love this person but I’m not in love with him. I love him because he became someone I wanted to have. Someone who listened to every animosity, screams, disappointments, hatreds and failures I had. And he never complained, not that I know of. I let myself love him more than a friend. He became my soul mate. (if it’s the right word to describe our relationship). He was my mirror of a mad life. I have given him the remaining piece of my heart and 5 years have passed, he hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. Or maybe I did not feel it, or maybe I refused to perceive it because I know if he did give his heart to me, it will not suffice to what I have lost. It is not enough to fill the empty gouges.

“Dota or Dotz” that’s what I treasured the most about us. Nicknames that still attach us to each other and even I cursed him to death before I still would like to remember July 11 as Dota day.

“Giving love is taking a chance.”

I love this line.

For the third and sweetest time, I fell in love. And it was like the first time, I was happy. Indescribable happiness. I never had the idea that I still have a piece of my heart to give and I guess, it was meant to stay unnoticed all these years because it was meant for him. A piece of my heart left only for him. I took a chance and it’s all worth it. He was the man of 24/7. He never gets bored and tired to call and say I love you. He, my bebz never failed to amused me and filled me with sweetness I longed to have. He could possibly be the man I wanted to have all my life and he could possibly be the man that could give me the never-ending chill in my spine. =)

Yet there are circumstances that are inevitable and I have no control of. When it happened, I slipped a grip of him or perhaps he did loosen the grip, letting me go without proclaiming a battle. I was hurt and broken. That is the truth.


I cried. I hated. I died.

Impossible turns into something possible yet I need to realize that the possible could also turn into something impossible. Maybe he is still not the one but I still hope someday he may return and fill the space I have waiting.

And if he doesn’t return, I’ll take a step forward smiling.

Idealistic and dreamer I maybe, I know wherever this step will lead me, I will find him and he will find me.




Love,

Me