Haunted

It was Saturday morning when I woke up with a tear around the corner of my eyes. Half- awake, I wiped it, hoping the dream I had will not remind of me what really happened between you and me.

Yes, I can vaguely remember the scenes of that gloomy place. I can’t picture that dim face you had. I’m not sure whether you’re angry or crying. But what I cannot forget was the intense feeling I had standing in front of you. Hatred. I clenched my teeth. It happened again.

Why is your memory clearly painted in my mind? I asked myself again. How I wish it was our good memory but it was not.

In my dreams there were screams, blows, insults and tears. You were there standing, frozen. Your eyes begging forgiveness but I just turned around because I can’t. Instead, I held my hand close to my chest and uttered, “I’m sorry I cannot forget the pain easily. I cannot forget you just like that”.

Without saying a word, you left. And there was silence. Your silence hurts even more.

Your absence brought me to deep contemplation. How come you cannot offer me the loyalty of friendship? You even refused to give me the loyalty of your love. You took away both pieces, the only reasons why I still have hope.

I have forgotten you. I thought you were dead. Well I assumed you were. It’s better to accept death to be the reason of your desertion than to think that you have simply forgotten me because of her. “ OF HER” – Damn! Who is HER? No need to tell me. I wouldn’t want to know.

Enough of your haunting. Please stop besetting me. I can no longer point the difference between a dream and reality, because in both worlds you are there. Leave me alone and never come back for I want to live without being scared even when your shadow appears.

You have found your happiness, spare me my share.( Jerk! I don’t have to ask you that. I don’t owe you in the first place, I murmured.)

I clenched my teeth. It happened again.

The sun is up now, illuminating my window. I stood up. It was a dream.

Dream

And I thought I was just dreaming. It was surreal. Before it was a dreary vision. Intangible fantasy. Now it's coming and there's no way you can stop it. You may try but you will never triumph because I can't and I won't allow it.

Let me dream the dream I dream for myself. Permit me to touch it. To Taste it. To embrace it. To live with it. You can dream with me but please forget the intention of breaking it, of crushing it.

No..No..No!

I had a lot of moments and this is among the erratic circumstances I encountered, this time giving me a piece of happiness and satisfaction - "the only difference".

Make a way..make a way for I am coming. Turn on the lights for I will take the center stage. Put your hands together and say " Bravo" for I really need those word as of this moment.

Finally, let me continue to dream. I'm just taking the initial step.

FYI-- I'm not over yet so please don't wake me up!

^___^

MiDLiFe

I’m 23. (Turning 24 in November this year), the age between teenage years and adulthood. I don’t know if I am really a grown up now. Maybe I have matured in some ways. But there are some points in my being which I am doubtful about. My indescribable personality is still a struggle not only for me but also for other people (but I don’t think they notice that). It sounds a comfort for me to say that I am really a struggle because I define myself that way. But just like they said nobody knows you better except yourself. My definition of me lies in my own hands.

I have encountered beautiful and blissful events in my life as well as ugly ones which were the most unforgettable. I have made hasty decisions which made me felt sorry at the end. I convinced myself that those decisions were part of growing up. And yes, true enough as I grow up every day I made more wrong decisions one after the other. And I’m afraid I’m haunted again by the same mistake. Could this be possibly another good shot of a wrong decision? Could this be one of my first-rate errors? I don’t know. I’m trying to gather all my courage to say that this is indeed part of growing up. And if it really is, I should say growing up is one sure hell of pain in the ass.

Right or wrong, I’m stuck with my decision.

I’m not certain if I have the right to rant about the misfortunes I’m experiencing and the nasty feelings I’m feeling today. It was my decision and I am positive of that decision the first time I had a thought of it. But the boldness I had back then was slowly vanishing, getting out of my hand. Things seem out of control and not according to what I wanted to be. The question whether the problem is me or the world is pathetic. When the light of hope strikes me I’m confident that it’s there but when I don’t have a grasp of it, it isn’t really there. Zero. Nihility.

At this point, I’m definite of what I want to happen in my life. I had it plan a long, long time ago. I already had a clear picture of what my life would be in the future. And the mystery of its realizations is yet to unfold. When will it happen? I hope the answer is soon. VERY SOON. Because I cannot dare to live my life staying like this, trapped and bored. I want to see myself doing more than just writing sentiments. I don’t just want to see what is beyond the end of the rainbow instead; I WANT TO STAY AT THE TOP OF THAT COLORFUL RAINBOW. The song tells me, “I try to see the good in life but good things in life are hard to find”. Yeah! Life is not easy, it will never be, but there’s no way I’m giving up. Not now, not tomorrow and certainly not until I see myself stubbornly smiling, saying these words, “C’mon, Life beat me!”.