I’m 23. (Turning 24 in November this year), the age between teenage years and adulthood. I don’t know if I am really a grown up now. Maybe I have matured in some ways. But there are some points in my being which I am doubtful about. My indescribable personality is still a struggle not only for me but also for other people (but I don’t think they notice that). It sounds a comfort for me to say that I am really a struggle because I define myself that way. But just like they said nobody knows you better except yourself. My definition of me lies in my own hands.
I have encountered beautiful and blissful events in my life as well as ugly ones which were the most unforgettable. I have made hasty decisions which made me felt sorry at the end. I convinced myself that those decisions were part of growing up. And yes, true enough as I grow up every day I made more wrong decisions one after the other. And I’m afraid I’m haunted again by the same mistake. Could this be possibly another good shot of a wrong decision? Could this be one of my first-rate errors? I don’t know. I’m trying to gather all my courage to say that this is indeed part of growing up. And if it really is, I should say growing up is one sure hell of pain in the ass.
Right or wrong, I’m stuck with my decision.
I’m not certain if I have the right to rant about the misfortunes I’m experiencing and the nasty feelings I’m feeling today. It was my decision and I am positive of that decision the first time I had a thought of it. But the boldness I had back then was slowly vanishing, getting out of my hand. Things seem out of control and not according to what I wanted to be. The question whether the problem is me or the world is pathetic. When the light of hope strikes me I’m confident that it’s there but when I don’t have a grasp of it, it isn’t really there. Zero. Nihility.
At this point, I’m definite of what I want to happen in my life. I had it plan a long, long time ago. I already had a clear picture of what my life would be in the future. And the mystery of its realizations is yet to unfold. When will it happen? I hope the answer is soon. VERY SOON. Because I cannot dare to live my life staying like this, trapped and bored. I want to see myself doing more than just writing sentiments. I don’t just want to see what is beyond the end of the rainbow instead; I WANT TO STAY AT THE TOP OF THAT COLORFUL RAINBOW. The song tells me, “I try to see the good in life but good things in life are hard to find”. Yeah! Life is not easy, it will never be, but there’s no way I’m giving up. Not now, not tomorrow and certainly not until I see myself stubbornly smiling, saying these words, “C’mon, Life beat me!”.
