( It took me a while to finish this one kay wala nako'y masumpay. Delayed akong emote.XD)
I am afraid. I am always been afraid. I can’t remember when exactly this fear started. Maybe it was when I used to see my mother walking away and leaving me alone at home. Maybe it was when Papa brought me in creepy places just to hunt birds and there I met strange bugs and worms. Or maybe it started when I fell in love and got hurt. BITTERSWEET.
I am afraid of life because it is unpredictable. I am afraid of what lies ahead. I am afraid of failures, of disappointment, of defeat, of breaking down, of being weak, of falling in love, of getting hurt. I AM AFRAID.
I am not a daredevil. I don’t take risks. I don’t believe in getting success through risks.
Risk of getting hurt, risk of being dumb, risk of oblivion, risk of choice and risk between losing and victory. COWARD.
I am too cautious of every decisions and actions I make. I want to make it perfect. I want everything to happen according to plans. Plans I made. I perfectly made. But then “circumstances beyond our control” as they call it, I always fail. Worst, I failed the people around me but it still fine, people are people, and they forgive and tell you “it’s okay my dear, everything happens for a reason”. LIES. Anything that is painful or disappointing is never okay. And the cliché “everything happens for a reason” is a lame excuse. Until now I’m still trying to convince myself that everything happens for a reason. How could that reason be unknown to us? I wonder.
I am afraid of “what might have been”. I am afraid of “I could have done better”. I am afraid of “someday I will make it". I am afraid of the past, of the present and yes, of the future. I’m afraid that there will be more failures ahead of me. I am afraid that I could no longer endure the burden. I am afraid of looking back because the more I recall the past, the clearer the picture appears, the tangible the pain there is. Maybe I don’t have the ability of moving on. And if did move on, I chose the safe way to oblivion. No relic.
How could I be so afraid now? Maybe because I’m once bitten, now twice shy. It seems I have lost everything and now, I have nothing to give. And this tortured anguish for a world deprived of luck; I don’t know where I am going. I’m lost in this long winding rough road. OBSCURE.
At the age of 23 I still have nothing to show off. FIASCO. I think I lost chances in this seemingly prejudiced world.
Procrastinations are everywhere and I’m caught with it. I am afraid of waiting, uncertain of what will happen tomorrow.
But then the unpredictability of life surprises me HUGE. ( hahaha..i used the term HUGE instead of MUCH, ambot ngano..) Just when I am at the brink of despair, God pulls me back and throws me up, enough to open my eyes on the things I cannot see. Shame to me that I only recognize Gods' endless clout when I am in trouble. SELFISH.
He took away all the fears I created and replaced it with hope. When I almost decided to settle for something less, God whispers,” Always set a high value of yourself. In that way, people will give you the respect you deserve.” CONFIDENCE.
Perhaps, fear may reside within me. It may haunt me some time but I know I won’t give in. For fear, won’t stop me from BEING ME. God never misses to reward those people who wait. And I’m Glad I waited. PATIENCE.
All these fears I have inside, I wish someday would vanish. For I know I can’t live my life in fear.
One of these days I hope I will not be afraid of sailing.
