Date: January 18, 2011
Time: 11:00 Am
Location: Caloocan; in my new room
It’s only been 15 days away from home and being stuck in this new, challenging place – METRO MANILA. Looking back, I can’t wait to be in this place and start a life on my own. Well, the feeling hadn’t changed that much, I’m still excited, (a bit scared though). I have four main reasons why I decided to flee. 1. To realize my ambitions, 2. To learn how to live independently, 3. To teach myself how to live life the hard way and 4. ESCAPE (which is the hardest and ambiguous one).
ONE. To realize my dreams.
To those who know, to those who don’t know and to those who judge me as being “AMBITIOUS”, I won’t argue because it is the truth.” I am ambitious” I always tell myself. I want to achieve something great, someone who can be an inspiration – the rags-to riches-kind of stuff - , someone whom I can tell to my future grand children that I am a product of sweat and blood. By then, I can retire and be proud of myself. But before all these things could happen, I still have to wrestle with reality. I have to say it’s hard and there are times I want to give up because the cliché “ it’s unfair” always strikes at the very moment that I am at my weakest. But when my ego is being restored with the help of a big sigh and a prayer of course, I’m back to track for the nth time. This could be a tiring scenario but it makes me feel alive and I whisper, “ THIS IS LIFE, I’M GOING TO LIVE IT THE WAY GOD WANTS ME TO.” A psychological and spiritual therapy and hey, it always works. =)
Today, I think of getting a permanent and satisfying job. After that, I will go to school again and have my master’s degree. Soon, I will have my own house, my own car and I will have all the luxury to travel the places I dreamt of. Yeah! I wanna be a billionaire so freakin’ bad.
TWO. To learn how to live independently.
At first, I am sceptical about this idea because I know I will be having a hard time to live without my mother beside me. I am too attached with my mama to the point of getting scared when she’s out of my sight. She means a lot to me. She is my life. But being at the age of 23, something persuades me to let go of the “baby girl” I’m used to be. I’m frightened with the idea that someday I will never learn to let go of my mother. So now, I want to learn how to deal with sadness, longing and living alone. Being distant from my loved ones hurts a lot but it teaches me how to be tough. Even if I’m away from mama, nothing can ever change my love for her. And yes, I want to believe that “Absence makes the heart grow ponder”.
THREE. To teach myself how to live life the hard way.
Maybe, you can call me masochistic. I complain about pain and even resent problems, but pain specifically is like a drug. It hurts a little but ecstasy is at its best. (TAKE NOTE: that’s according to what I read not on personal experience). I am one of those free souls who need to scream and be divulged by darkness and soon to rise, RENEWED. (So Dramatic!). To put it simply, I want to know the bad and the good about life. I want to know what a joke is and what is not. I want to be wise about life. Sa bisaya pa, dili na gusto tawagon ug UTO-UTO.hehehe. I want to get rid of being compassionate and generally, LAME. I want to beat life, if not, I just want to give it a hard blow.
FOUR: Escape.
This last reason appears to be somewhat vague and pathetic. I’m not sure if I really wanted to have an escape when in fact all I need to do is to forget. But knowing myself, forgetting is something my brain refuses to do. I have a lot of vivid ( Now,I remember someone, see?) pictures of people, scenes and speech that made a great impact on me. And I think a lot. It becomes a habit now. I love to rekindle old, painful, messy, funny and gloomy romances, friendships, accidents, conversations, etc. Being away now, perhaps I could find a cure or REST (if I’m lucky enough). For now, this escape is my temporary refuge against further thoughts.
In the meantime, I want to savor my freedom until its last drop. Let me experience how to be alive.
