Envy is a word I refuse to recognize because it’s a poison that would slowly destroy my entire being. But if it’s the word that fits my feeling tonight then let it be.
It’s been two years that I haven’t seen his façade nor felt his presence. I may have accepted his absence but never forgotten the pain.
And what would I do?
Simply ignore everything and go on?
Deceiving my self would be the last thing I would do because I cannot simply disregard the sting of pain every time I saw the sun sets and the clouds turn dark without hearing the words “Jing, get inside it’s getting late”.
I cannot simply close my eyes every time I see a daughter who clings to his father and tells “Be careful. Cars coming your way”.
I cannot simply deny the fact that I envy so much the scene of having a father who would always tell me “Beware of boys, you don’t know who’s telling the truth. Let me find it out for you then winks”.
All of these are fruits of envy I felt at the age of 23. And DAMN IT HURTS.
I cannot bury the picture of having the man who has always the instinct of protecting me.
Would I ever meet a man who would give up his life for someone like me?
Would I ever meet a man who gave my mother a life not perfect and the best yet a memory to always remember?
Would I ever meet a man who buys me ribbon and hair clips and say “Get a long straight hair because guys love it that way"?
Would I ever meet a man who will cook for me and serves one hot sizzling bowl of soup and tells “Eat and be satisfied”?
Would I ever meet a man who will gaze at me and say, “What are you wearing? Get dress again and make sure you won’t show any skin"?
Would I ever meet a man who will boast me in front of his boy friends and say, “My girl dances so well”?
Would I ever meet a man who takes me in the midst of a creepy forest hunting for strange blue birds?
Would I ever meet a man who lets go of me in a cliff and let me dive even if he knows I don't know how to swim?
Would I ever meet a man who will take revenge for me because I was hurt by someone?
Would I ever meet a man who will wake me up in the morning and takes me to slumber at night and sings me a Lullaby?
Would I ever feel safe with a man again?
Would I ever meet you again?
WOULD I?
No answer.
I guess these tears will always flow every time I will remember your innocent face smiling down at me.
And I guess I will miss you forever.
