PAPA

Once in my life I have this certain memory I couldn’t ever forget and I am convinced that all of us have this “memorable moment” and today I’m here in front of you to share my special story.

There was also a “once upon a time” in my life. It was not all found in fairytales and love stories. This time, it’s real and this is MY STORY.

I grew up in a family where I seldom see my father around because of the nature of his work. He was a police officer when he was still alive. He’s always away from us every time he performs his duties. There were also times when he was assigned to other places and he spent most of his times not to us but to his work. Saddened by this situation, I always asked my mother when will father gets home but since my mother doesn’t know either, I stopped asking. I will just wait for the moment when my father knocks at the door, hugs me and will say “I’m home son”. I learned to embrace this common scenario, “a home without a father” since I was a kid.

Being the eldest, I also witnessed how my two siblings longed for my father’s presence. I can see in their eyes the gladness every time my father is home. That is why when we are together we make sure that we enjoy each other’s company. My father spoils us with so many toys, candies, cakes and ice cream, the kinds of food that every child craves for. But having these things don’t complement the time he missed while he was away from us.
I reached the right age with the same scene at home yet I’m still lucky to have my mother to fill the emptiness that my father cannot meet. With the help of my mother, I hardly noticed that I spent most of my life without my father around. I didn’t feel that my life is incomplete but still I cannot ignore the fact that I’m still wishing and praying that I could spend special gatherings with my father such as birthdays and New Year.

Later on, I started to disregard my wishful thinking that father will soon be home and stays with us because the more I think of it, the more I miss him. It seems like a dream that is unreachable but like any child of God, I strongly hold on to my faith and earnestly pray that someday my family will be complete.

True enough, God answers to those who asked. On the first day of January 2008, father came home and spent New Year’s Eve with us. It was the happiest and memorable moment of my life. The fact that my father is not feeling well that time, he did not fail to spend a special celebration with his family. He did not waste his remaining time on something else instead he made sure that we are having fun, making the most of everything.

We spent an extravagant new year not only because father was there but also we recognized it as a blessing for the family and for our lives. Father treated us generously with mouth-watering dishes which he personally cooked. I forgot to mention that my father cooks very well and that is one of the things I miss the most about him. My mother was very happy seeing her husband busy preparing foods for his children. It was a dramatic moment for her.

Maybe you will ask what’s memorable about this story and maybe you will say “it’s just an ordinary tale “. Well I say NO, it was not an ordinary story for me, for my mother and for my siblings. It was the most special one because for 27 years of my existence, it was the very first time that we spent New Year together as far as I can remember. It was the very first time we witnessed the year to end and the New Year to unfold. It was the very first time that we exchanged hugs and kisses together. It was the first time we welcome a new chapter of our lives together.

That New Year of 2008 was a year that left a very special memory for me and for my family. I could have never thought that it was our first and last new year together. It pains me a lot knowing that we shared only one New Year when in fact I waited for him for about 20 years and more to spend that very special day with us. But just like what they always say every story has its ending and so is mine. It wasn’t a very happy ending yet if I look back and if I see myself now, it wasn’t bad after all.

As much as I wanted him to see where I am now and as much as I wanted to tell him that I am now a BEM student, I couldn’t. But if it happens that he is still alive, I hope he will be proud of his son.

Until now, I’m still teary-eyed every time I remember the feeling and the picture of my happy family especially now that father is gone. It was a very memorable memory he left for us. How I wish I could still extend his life to spend more New Years Eve with him but I can’t so I’m satisfied with the memory I had with him and I will cherish it forever. Now Papa will no longer have to say I’m home Son because I will tell him “Papa you are always at home here in my heart”.

VIDA (LIFE)

“What is life?”…

The very prominent and boring question ever asked either on an autograph or during a high school essay. This undying question irritates me a lot for the fact that it is being asked a million times and I think of it as a nonsense and childish query. But to be honest, I refrain from answering this question because I cannot simply answer it. I cannot define life by merely basing it on what I have read, what I have seen and what I have experienced because doing so would make a stupid out of me. I cannot define life because I barely know what life is.

Maybe to make it simpler, I define life as an existence that is full of gladness, sadness, and trials, sacrifices, so on and so forth. See? There are too many adjectives that could possibly define what life is but I’m more comfortable with “LIFE IS COMPLICATED”. True enough it is complicated and yet…..

I made LIFE more complicated and HARD. And it started when I THINK BIG…TOO BIG, that I even THINK of the world too much. I over think and over do things to the point of putting the whole world in my hands. I am dreaming too big, expecting that I could undo the mistakes and frailty of the world and make it an ideal one. A world without imperfections, a life without predicaments, a life without a trace of ugly memories, tears and remorse. That is HOW I WANT TO DEFINE LIFE…

This disease of being PERFECT poisoned my being and worst, I hurt my family and loved ones. I condemned them for their mistakes and I made myself the creed, believing I am perfect and I can do everything right with this “RIGHTFUL MIND”. They say “Little knowledge can be a dangerous thing”, but I guess “Too much knowledge can ruin everything”.

I have missed the meaning of life just because I am too cautious of making mistakes. I am afraid that I will only be “A LIVING MISTAKE, A TOTAL FIASCO”. I hardly noticed that my cognition of a perfect world lead me to something different, something that looks like hell. (The thought of it, starts to frighten me.)

I lived my life beating my own standards and principles. I competed with my own self. That is why whether I win or loss, a part of me mourns for something I vaguely know. I perfectly set a plan for myself, envisioned a picture of a girl achieving goals, conquering dreams and inspiring others. I created this plot, mainly because I want something good, oh no!, SUPERB for myself and somehow this could be a chance I could boast a little.


And then something happens….

I dream big and when the world can’t suffice my dreams, I was disappointed. Disappointment kills me. It’s the worst feeling I can’t manage. I collapsed and I don’t know what life is after then.

Desperate I am I keep searching for the luck; I strived to look for the starting line so that I can make my initial step and yet again, I stumbled. And since I claimed to carry the burden of my loved ones, I thought I was alone and they cannot help me in whatever way. That was my mistake.

I have forgotten that my family and the people who love me were there to help me out. I am too selfish to take all the tasks that we should have shared with each other. And I became conscious of the truth that I cannot be a heroine just like I used to imagine. Damn Cinderella and X- Men!

My madness reached its limit; I went crazy, hysterical, stupid and damned. What a youthful experience!

But just like any other people, I made wrong decisions, I took the wrong step but amidst all, I still feel very lucky because I have figured out what are the things that are very dear to me.

My family
My friends
My faith
and myself.

However mad and stupid I have become, there are the only people who will understand my sickness. They are my REHAB and forever will be.

I miss living. I miss having fun. I miss life.

I still have an ample time and I won’t let it slip away from my hands again.


“You will live and so should I.”





What is life?


There’s the question again…..



And I came up with an answer ….





"Life is all about me and the people who will love me till the end."

I'm not Inlove

I’m not in love, so don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made
I’m not in love, no-no
I like to see you, but then again
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you, don’t make a fuss
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us
I’m not in love, no-no

I keep your picture upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that’s lyin’ there
So don’t you ask me to give it back
I know you know it doesn’t mean that much to me
I’m not in love, no-no

Ooh, you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh, you’ll wait a long time

I’m not in love, so don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made, ooh

I’m not in love, I’m not in love…

EMOTIONS......

Emotions…

Hurt…Anger.Worries..Pain..Love..Loss..Longing..Disappointment...

What else do I have now?

My psyche is totally in crisis I couldn’t bear.

I cannot think right. It is crowded with too much misery.

I cannot stand still. My courage is wavered.

I’ve been thinking a lot and it gives me a hell lot of pain…here ---in the head.

I am not empty. I am brimming with too much toxic in the heart and in the mind, instead. So how could I be so poor?

It is unfathomable. It has always been.

A macabre life is not what I have in my reverie. I want to live. Where is my life?

I have loved so much. I have cared more than what I can give. I have given more than what I have.

And it’s still nothing.

(People used to dream big but when you grow up, you’ll’ realize dreaming is not always a sweet escape.
Dreaming fools an innocent and pure heart of a tot. They are taught to dream big, to create their own picture of the world they want to live in. After building its fantasy, the real world will welcome you with a BANG! Disappointment strikes in! Dreaming will bring you to perdition because the world is not good. It’s never been good.

Dreaming plus the world-----not a good pair! Forget it!)


Back to reality.

I have done well but not enough to make things accurate.

I need to do something else. Something crazy. Something wild. I need to forget the lame me.

Get that new me out of the box!

If you want to get a life, then MOVE.DAMN YOU GOLDY!

If I could just punch that fluke, I would capture it. I will never let it go!
One chance is enough to make everything all right. Just give me that one chance!

Knock off ding..

It’s just been a bad day…

How could it happen so fast?Why does it always end like this?

I am hurting...I'd never thought it will happen again.

This blog is almost flooded with pain and losses, why can't i write something that is FOREVER..something that is MINE...

I have fallen in love for someone I thought who could give his ALL...

I wanted you to stay because I started to dream of myself with you...

I wanted you to love me without any hesitations....

I wanted you to be the man of my life....

I wanted you to do it because I need you...

I wanted you to give up something because I can promise you that your sacrifice is all worth it....

I wanted you to be the person I will hold on to FOREVER...

I wanted you to give your life to me because if you did..I'm willing to do the same...

All I really wanted was you..NOTHING ELSE and NO ONE ELSE....

How could I wanted to own you this much if you don't want it?????


How could I be so bitter...

How could I be so selfish...

DAMN!....

A Love on its 18th and Counting.....

What took me so long to write something about him, about us and about the feelings we felt for each other?

Mmmmm.. Maybe because I’m at the verge of my emotions. Excited. Flattered. Eager. Afraid. Inlove.

Yeah. That’s the word. INLOVE…(now I’m smiling with this thought..Could it really be true that this cold and dead heart of mine beat for someone again?)^_^

It took me years to feel that sweet and shuddering feeling of LOVE. I have never surmised that I will found myself one day crazy about something and someone. Until he came by surprise.

I counted for 3 years. He waited for 18 years. Unbelievable at first. I was skeptical, thinking “ Could it be possible that what he uttered were really true and the things he cherished really happened?”…I need to ponder.

Whether he loved me when I was young or he loved me for what I am now, it doesn’t matter. “I counted for 3 years. He waited for 18 years”.

He loved me for no reason at all. He just said “ He loves me” and that’s it. No explanation. Paulo Coelho once said “ Love doesn’t need to be discussed; it had its own voice that speaks for itself.” Flattered, I said “ How great the power of love is!”.

And when I saw him for the first time after 18 years, I decided and said, “ now we're here at the same place just where we wished, prayed and wanted to be - LOVE.

He loved me more than I loved him. The kind of love I wanted. Not to be unfair on his part but to be secured that when I completely love him, he will never leave just like what other did.I simply wanted to be loved and cared just like the way I do.

Maybe it is too early to conclude on something new. Maybe it is too easy to say that “we can make it” but still, I hoped for that to happen because I cannot bear losing someone who completes the picture that I fancy in every solitary nights - A man who will love me over and over again.

I lay everything to God on what will happen next to our love affair because if He says YES to us, He will really mean it.

I do not ask for a dramatic ending or a teary love story. I just needed someone to build my dreams with without the slightest intention of crushing it.

I will hold on to the moment that HE IS MINE because no one could take it away from me. NOT NOW.

I still enjoy the idea that someone out there is thinking of me every second of his life and I would love to do the same. He gives me one reason why I should smile and love again. Simply because HE IS THERE..

I Want the Real Thing

Real Thing


Here comes the night once again
I am feeling lonely
Oh, if only things got turn out like you planned

Where could love be?
Tell me why its so hard to find somebody
Who would stand by me and take the time to understand?
So we are again

I want the real thing or nothing at all
I need someone that I can be sure
Who will catch me if I should fall
Someone who'll be there when I call
And I know that its the real thing

To hold me each night
Someone to love me over and over
Someone who'll be there when I call
Just give me the real thing

Where is that moon?
Who needs smile on this one more dreamer?
Let your beam come down and fill my empty wound

Here comes the night
But if there's still a chance love would find me
I'm will be here crossing my fingers

Or nothing at all
I need someone that I can be sure
Who'll catch me if I should fall?
Someone who'll be there when I call
I know that it's the real thing

To hold me each night
Someone to love me over and over
Someone who'll be there when I call

I wanna know for sure that I can feel secure
Knowing I found an everlasting love
Once I've got that on under control
No I won't let go

I want the real thing or nothing at all
I need someone that I can be sure
Who will catch me if I should fall
Someone who'll be there when I call
Its got to be the real thing
Got to be the real thing
Im making the future right
Someone who'll be there when I call
Just got to be the real thing

Lost and Gathered Thoughts...^_^

BUDDHA SAYS… "We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world and all that we are is the result of what we have thought.”

SARA TEASDALE SAYS… "I have no riches but my thoughts. Yet these are wealth enough for me."

SOCRATES SAYS… "To find yourself, think for yourself."

AND I SAY….Thoughts are fruits of the mind during the solitary moments where one is free to dream and to think of anything and maybe.. just maybe those thoughts will turn into a bunch of reality.

The following are my thoughts during idle times, tiring moments, sad and happy occasions and times when I couldn’t explain and express myself.
These are my LOST AND GATHERED THOUGHTS..

"I will move forward and I will go upward for GOD had already set a success for me, a victory that no one has ever claimed."

"I want a smart guy who can really argue with me yet still understands me after."

"Luck is the situation where good things come without your expectations. A lot of people say that they were born with luck but for me I would rather call it GOD. He brings luck to me. He gives what he thinks is best for me. He knows better than I do. I believe in GOD more than I believe in LUCK."

"I will surrender my life to you. In this journey, I will let you take the lead and I will follow. I am your servant and forever will be!"

"Lead me into a life you want for me. Guide me into a path where you want me to be.."

Fantasy as they call it but they are my dreams, ideal as they say but this is what reality is for me. Look! I’m a fanatic-dreamer-idealist-realistic human. Dare to ask me where my world is, I’ll take you there."

"My beauty is intrinsic not borrowed, not simulated. You can’t have it so envy me to death."

"Why do you have to go? Was my love not enough for you to stay?"

"I’m willing to bleed for you; even if it hurts I will not complain. For you, I can do anything."

"I will not leave my place to seek for him because if I do, he who seeks for me will lose his way or worst he will never find me."

"When dreams seem to be unreachable and situations are out of control, I bow down my head and cry and the moment I stand up again, everything will fall right into its pace."

"When your book closes to its last page – you will think of starting it all over again thinking that you can correct the mistakes written on it. But going back to its pages will not change anything because it already happened and there’s no way for a second chance."


"When emotions become weak the heart cries and things are broken. When fighting for someone you love is nothing but a waste of time, you have to let go because the pain will never stop if you hold for it a longer time. "

"It is a great feeling of success when people compliment you for being intelligent but it is more satisfying when people compliment you for having intelligence with common sense."

"I want to fly to the place where nobody knows me so that I could kick someone’s ass, make people mad and piss them off and yet they will never know who I am."

"I want to scream out loud to make them listen that I’m hurting inside, broken and dying."

"I want to leave and forget the angel inside me. I wanna be bad…Bad to make them good."

"No one in this world has the right to judge me of who I really am and no one will ever have the right to define of what I will become."

"The weirdest thing I could offer is I and it’s up to you to understand or ignore it".

"Your name keeps ringing here inside my heart. You’re like a song I just can’t stop singing. Endless notes that will always make my heart sway."

"I can see the beauty of love, the feeling of joy and the warmth of happiness but the thing I will never understand is the twinge of love I feel every time I see your face. Is it because I hate you for making me cry or I hate you because I love you so much?"

"Solitary moments make us realize the essence of being ourselves. During this time we will learn how to fill up the empty spaces in our lives."

"Thanks for letting me down ‘coz I found my own way to go up."

"Many doubts and confusions passed into my life and have been continuously pulling me down to hell but God never fails to give me the strength nor ceases to answer the hows and whys. God will never leave me and that’s the only thing I’m certain of."

Life on the Go!

I love to write stuffs like this poured with emotions and thoughts about me and my life. I used to carry my “secret notebook” (well I call it secret because it is some sort of a journal that nobody ever tried to read not until I’m alive)…not really like a diary because I only write when I feel like writing something. On the second thought, I also wanted to write all what’s happening inside me because I want people to read my write- ups just in case I die.(OVER!) Reading my blogs could maybe, just maybe lead to their understanding of who I really am.

Some people write because they cannot express what and how they feel or they cannot give an acceptable reason to why they act strange and different from others or maybe it is beyond their power to tell something that they themselves don’t understand.
Life can be exciting, happy, adventurous, fun, Challenging, boring, exhausting, wasted, gloomy and lost. Life is simply life. What happen in the past, in the present and in the future are history that repeats itself. Problems appear in different forms at unexpected time and place yet at the end of the day you always get the solution. Months will pass another problem will come and then the same process goes. You worry, cry and feel tired yet one day it will be gone.

I was just thinking are those old people that reached ages around 60, 70 or more experienced much more problems than I do? Maybe yes but could possibly be no. The age doesn’t count on how many problems you encountered or how many laughter you busted. When young people like me come to a point of giving up, some would tell that life must go on amidst all the encumbrances that you carry. Absolutely it’s true, we humans individually face our own lives that are filled with various test. But it is innate for humans to feel tired sometimes….so can I have my “sometime” just now?
We are born to have two sides: one is being strong and the other is being weak and it depends on you on how to stand the state of being strong and weak. Bitter as may seem but you only have yourself to make your way out.

Life could sometimes be hard for me and boring but I guess I have to run fast and feel the speed to make my life rolling. I have to jump and fly to feel the rush of blood in my veins….This is life to the extreme!

Ride on baby! Ride on!

MY UNREQUITED LOVE STORY ( THE FINALE)

“You have to know that I will never love a man the way I loved you” (One and Only You Monday, November 16, 2009)…

I speak of these words when I was still hooked with the idea of having you for the second time. These words are uttered with sincerity and affection but can I take it back? Hhhmm..Maybe no because it’s the truth but can I change it? Definitely yes and it goes like this “You have to know that I will never love a man the way I loved you because when the time comes that my man arrives I will love him better and more than I loved you”.

Have I known that for the second time my sacrifice will be just another useless story? Have I known that you can never really fight for me? Have I known that history repeats itself?

Honestly, I was not expecting that it would happen again. I thought things will be different now but I was wrong. Did I assume too much? Did I expect too much from you?
My fantasy over you and about us was another secret of failure.
Well I have to end this endless fool’s dreams. I’m closing the door for you and from now on you will be just the man I will remember for teaching me how love can be cruel and how love can be a sweet sacrifice.

I am not hurt. I am not sad. I am not angry. This is the best ending for an unrequited love story.

Acceptance will take away the pain and the regret. YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER.

I used to fix my mind with you as my ideal man and I could never find someone like you who makes me nervous and shudder at the same time. And I was wrong having this idealism. I never gave myself the chance to see other people’s willingness to give themselves for me just like my willingness to give up everything for you. I would not blame myself for this stupid idealism because it’s my choice.

Now it came to a point where I will need to end this. It’s time to stop dreaming, to stop assuming, to stop waiting and to stop loving you.

I think I did not fail to show you how much you are loved. I did a good fight, didn’t I?

My story.
Your story.
Our story.
The Unrequited love story will now end here.

ADAGIO__I LOVE YOU

I don’t know where to find you
I don’t know how to reach you
I hear your voice in the wind
I feel you under my skin (or "that brings me a touch of hint")
Within my heart and my soul
I wait for you
Adagio (or "I love you" or "I need you")

All of these nights without you
All of my dreams surround you
I see and I touch your face
I fall into your embrace
When the time is right, I know
You'll be in my arms
Adagio (or "I love you" or "I need you")

I close my eyes and I find a way
No need for me to pray
I’ve walked so far
I've fought so hard
Nothing more to explain
I know all that remains
Is a piano that plays

If you know where to find me
If you know how to reach me
Before this light fades away
Before I run out of faith
Be the only man (or "one") to say
That you'll hear my heart
That you'll give your life
Forever you'll stay

Don't let this light fade away
No No No No No No
Don't let me run out of faith
Be the only man (or "one") to say
That you believe
Make me believe
You won't let go
Adagio (or "I love you" or "I need you")

Three Characters of My Life

Lately my mind is preoccupied with things I WANT TO DO, I CANNOT DO and THE IMPOSSIBLE.Things that always make my head ache. This is my habit, my disease, my obsession. (mmm..how do you call someone who never stops from thinking?)



Things I WANT TO DO:

I want something great for myself so I want to be someone who can satisfy my own standard. I want to see myself choked with success so I won’t think that I am a complete loser. I want to spend my time on teaching myself the things that the scholars know so I won’t always tell myself that I am dumb and stupid. I want to be someone who is respected and feared by anyone who tries to ridicule me so that I won’t always bent my head down when ignorance is coming my way. I want something for myself that would ease my heart from ceaseless search. I want to find that “something” for myself that would make me say “I couldn’t ask for more”.


Things I CANNOT DO:

I can’t leave because I’m stuck with too much worry about my family. I can’t say no because I’m afraid to hurt others feelings. I can’t say yes because I’m afraid of its consequences. I can’t go if someone is pulling me backwards. I can’t step forward because I’m frightened of what will I see on the way. I CANNOT DO the things I WANT TO DO because it is not easy to settle things at once. It is not easy to let
go.


THE IMPOSSIBLE:

Are there any? Mmm..well these are those fantasies I created inside my mind. You know it’s not good being too imaginative sometimes, it gives you hope at first but disappoint you later on. So better not be like me. ^_^.
The impossible is something to do with YOU and ME. It sounds real yet when I pinch myself I woke up from that fantasy but I can’t keep myself from thinking about it over and over again. EXHAUSTING!

What can I possibly do with the THINGS I CANNOT DO and THE IMPOSSIBLE?

Maybe it’s time for me to decide on matters that concern me, my future, my dream, my goal and my life. I’m giving it a time limit starting today…gonna work hard but when the door opens I’m gonna take that path without regrets and backing off.

A New Year to Look Forward to....

Another year has ended for every one of us and there will be this New Year to face.

Like anyone of you, one chapter in my life has closed its pages and there will be another chapter to unfold.
2009 has been good but there are imminent tragedies which I never saw coming and it was too late for me to regret and blame someone or something just to be able to get the answer of a mystery which I didn’t even recognized. There were different stories in my life which myself cannot understand why the ending of the tale is far different from what I imagined when I wrote its beginning.
Well it was a mistake when I thought I was all alone writing the story of my own life. I forgot that I am in need of guidance and protection. Unexpectedly and unfortunately my stubbornness has its own price and I paid for it.
Every day I grow up and I can sensed that I need to because I must see myself strong and contented. But no matter what I do I keep on failing and every now and then I cried though it hurts a lot to see myself in pain.
Different faces of pain which I need to bear during my solitary moments. Pain of the past that keeps on haunting me. The pain of losing my father and the pain of missing him knowing that I could never touch him again. The pain of the miserable life which drag me into the world of envy and selfishness. The pain of being betrayed and rejected by the people you loved and cared so much. The pain of assuming for the love of someone. The pain of waiting when at the end you will just only know you are waiting for nothing. Yes I was living my life in pain. Some people may not understand it and I have no intention to explain it either. But despite of all these pain, I manage to live my life partly. I still love myself no matter what!

Family is a great refuge especially my mom whom I would offer my life and love. She has been my courage when I have nothing more to give. Thanks to her I still say “cheers” every morning.

2009 has been good because God has given me everything I asked for. He never fails me even if I don’t deserve it. Like any other humans I pay my Master the highest respect, worship and love even if I cannot afford it.


I face 2010 with enthusiasm and optimism…2009 has been good but 2010 will be better. I have to leave some people behind and to welcome another new ones. But I need to remind myself that I should be careful this time. I should not do anything reckless because when it happens again... it will surely be my doomsday.

2010 will be my year and this year will be full of laughter and love. I may not have forgiven some people but I know time will come I will not remember their faces and their names so there will be no more reason for me to look back. I’m moving on. Forward to a better me. To a better year. To a better life.


^_^

Devoured me!

I cannot sleep tonight and I'm not sure if it's because of the after effect of being hospitalized for the first time or maybe because I'm thinking the shit things happening on me now.I'm not in the mood tonight. Listening on the radio doesn't help, it only reminds of me of the bitter memories and missing someone. I hate missing people knowing that he doesn't feel the same way. Watching tv is not a good idea either, I'm tired of watching boring news e.g killing people, stealing, fire, volcano erupting, bad economy, famine, everything at its worst. Who could save someone from someone? I should say acting like this would fire me from the world of media. The hell with it!

Just let me speak for myself. I want to say what I'm thinking right now. And do you have any idea what's bugging in my mind tonight? Hmmmm...bet you have no idea.

I AM TIRED.Do you know how it feels of being in hell? Yeah. I'm in hell. Oh wait! I am always in hell. I have not escape from it!Pathetic...I was just fooling myself. I cannot save me from me. Tough Self!

Why do I need to pay the price of something when at the end I have no benefit from it? They say I shouldn't expect any return! Oh!Bullshit! I am left with nothing now, what more can I give? You took it all away.

Now I'm going to return to the place where I am alone, no emotions, lifeless, aloof and angry. Masochistic I am! but at least I didn't hurt anybody. Can you hear me? I DIDN'T HURT ANYBODY. I NEVER LET ANYONE CRY! AND THANKS TO YOU GUYS I AM ALWAYS THE ONE WHO DOES IT!

Oh Lord! Show me what I'm looking for!Save me! I just need someone to stand by me forever! Just get me out of here!

Pissed Off!!!!!

I AM TIRED OF EVERYTHING....BWESIT!

MAMALIKAS SAKO DRI WALAY MAGBUOT!YAWA!GIKAPOY NAJUD KO...



I HATE RULES! HATE LIFE!I HATE EVERYTHING!



LEAVE ME ALONE!BULLSHIT!



JUST TAKE MY HEART AWAY!


DAMN YOU PEOPLE!

Still Learning to Forgive

Pay attention to every moment, because the opportunity - the “magic instant” – is within our reach, although we always let it pass by because we feel guilty. So try not to waste your time blaming yourself: the universe will see to correcting you if you’re not worthy of what you’re doing.”

It won’t be through tragedies; these happen because they are part of life, and they should not be thought of as punishment. Generally the universe shows us that we are wrong when it takes away what is most important to us: our friends.

if you don’t pardon, then you’ll think about the pain they caused you and that pain will never go away. I’m not saying that you have to like those who do you wrong. I’m not telling you to go back to that person’s company. I’m not suggesting that you start seeing that person as an angel or as someone who acted without any hurtful intentions. All I am saying is that the energy of hate will take you nowhere, but the energy of pardon which manifests itself through love will manage to change your life in a positive sense.”

“I have been hurt many times.”

“That’s the reason that you still bear within yourself the little boy who cried hiding from his parents, the boy who was the weakest in his class. You still bear the marks of that frail little boy who could never find a girlfriend and was never good at sports. You haven’t managed to chase off the scars of some injustices they committed against you during your life. But what good does that do you? None at all. Absolutely nothing. Just a constant desire to feel sorry for yourself for being the victim of those who were stronger. Or else dress up like an avenger ready to inflict more wounds on those who hurt you. Don’t you think you’re wasting your time with all that?”

“I think it’s human.”

“It’s certainly human. But it’s neither intelligent nor reasonable. Respect your time on this Earth, understand that God has always pardoned you, and learn to pardon too.”

I Want To Know What Love Is

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm colder





In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life




I wanna know what love is.....
I want you to show me......
I wanna feel what love is.....
I know you can show me......



I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me....
Ive got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me....



In my life! there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life!.!.!.!.



I wanna know what love is.....
I want you to show me......
I wanna feel what love is......
I know you can show me......


I wanna know what love is....
I want you to show me....
And I wanna feel, I want to.... feel what love is....
And I know, I know you can show me....

show me



I wanna know what love is, lets talk about love
I want you to show me, I wanna feel it too
I wanna feel what love is, I want to feel it too
And I know and I know, I know you can show me
Show me love is real, yeah
I wanna know what love is...

Three Years Ago

I hate to see myself in pain. I hate to see myself in anger. I neither want to see myself in grudge nor to see myself suffer because of it. But all of these happened even if I don’t want too. Why? Because people around me love to see worst things thrown on me. Maybe I’m one of those lead actresses who are beaten up by villains but in my case I don’t receive any awards or compliments from the tears and screams or for the slaps and blows they have given me.
Just as I thought I started to recover…just as I thought it was over…the wounds that are not yet healed are calling for vengeance and I hate it.
Three years ago I died and it was the worst feeling that one could ever imagine. I eat, sleep, talk, walk, and think …I do all things that a normal person does but the only difference is that I hate to laugh, smile, and be with people. I curse boys, relationships, promises and even love. I hated them all just as I hated life so much. I am the living dead with no emotions at all. Imagine all things and people around you laughing out loud and living their lives happily while you are in an isolated corner of this world, crouching in pain..The kind of place you never wished for yourself. I often ask why the people you love are the same people who will let you feel the pain. The worst thing is when they have all moved on and yet you are left behind still suffering for the pain that those people have caused you. How bitter. How pathetic. How awful.
Three years ago I died and it was the moment where hope did not exist. Hope is only felt by people who still want to live but for me hope is a mere imagination, a fantasy of the weak. How could you still hope for someone or something when they have already given you up? How could you still convince yourself that there is still hope when you see yourself drowning in the deep, dark water of this unfair world and knowing that there is no one to save you?
Three years ago I died and I live my life alone. I learned to love the pain that people have blatantly showed me. I learned to be immune by the sufferings that life continuously troubles me. I learned to live my life with pain as my company and this pain will always live within me even if three years have already passed. This pain is already part of my being. Pain maybe a poisonous element in life but for me it is the thing that makes me strong and that will push me to keep going. I will always remember this pain because without it I will never survive life…three years ago.

___________________________________________________________________________________


I am sorry if you were not there three years ago. I am sorry that you were not by my side to comfort me when I was breaking down. I am sorry that you cannot understand the feeling of being abandoned and rejected. I am sorry that you cannot understand a bit of my weirdness and lonely life. I am sorry that even if you tried and even how hard I tried I cannot explain the things that are happening around me and the feelings that make me suffer right now. In the first place how can I express what I’m feeling if I don’t understand it? I am sorry because the pain keeps on haunting me and you are not enough or should I say it is not that easy. How I wish you could feel the strange feeling that is creeping me every night. I am sorry that three years ago…. something happened in my life.



GOD... I am begging you to save me from the curse that I'm into because I am tired and I'm afraid I cannot bear it anymore.



Can anybody out there hear my call?

One and Only You

“ I'm waiting for the day when I can have you by my side again, until I've had my fill; that's all I ask to create a world where I can always find refuge if I need it; not so far away that I can't be seen to be having an independent life and not so close that it looks as if I'm invading your universe”


Waiting.....
I guess I have been waiting for you all my life since I found out what true love means. Waiting makes me tired at times...angry... irritated...helpless...worst it triggers me to give up. Every other day I felt different emotions but above all of these confusing and disturbing feelings – one thing I'm certain of is the love I felt for you.

Haven't you asked yourself if this is just a mere coincidence, a fluke of nature or destiny?

Because I do. I do ask myself if this is just another game that life wanted us to play and if this is really another life's game, I want to win this time (that if life will treat me fair). I already had you once but I lost it. Now destiny or whatever they call it, gave both of us a chance. Would you grab it or would you just let go? You don't have to throw back the same question because I will always give you the same answer like I have always said many years ago...Yes!I would grab it and will hold on. I didn't sacrifice this much if only I would just refuse at the end.

But even if I wanted you this much,I don't want to push you to your limits. I don't want to succumb you to do the same. What I want is that you will be at peace with your feelings. I want you to be happy when you are ready to make a choice. I want you to know what you want.

I'm willing to wait because I love you and because I love you I don't want you to love me "just because I love you".

It's crazy to think that I see my future with you. Am I too stupid to indulge myself into a reverie that seems so unreal? And I am too childish if I assume you feel the same way?

Do you see things the same? Do you envision yourself with me? Hmmm..silly thoughts..

Allow me to say that I am stupid and I am really a certified daydreamer but nevertheless I'm still the realistic optimist. Before I foresee all these pictures in my mind, what I'm excited about is you to become successful and become the man that you wanted to be.

While you realize all of your dreams, I will gather all my strength to wait for you until you will become the man ready to be loved by me.

And if waiting for you would mean hurt and pain – then I will be willing to bleed for you. It will only come to a halt when you tell me to stop loving you..when you tell me that you don't love me anymore...but even if our love story will end, you have to know that I will never love a man the way I loved you and if I did I will be living in a body of a different woman because for me there's one and only you.

Words of GoodBye to my Smart Girls

I hate to utter this word but I think I need to. “ Goodbye” to my colleagues and friends in Smart. I am very grateful that I had the opportunity of working with people like you guys..( echus!drama ang introduction...)

AHEM....!


Before I will leave the office and will not see you guys for maybe days or weeks I have to drop something special.hehehe....dili regalo ah!

Let's begin with Ate Anet...

Ate thank you for being the person that you are. Thank you for being the ATE of the group. To us girls you have been so caring like every ate's in the world do. To you ate I bequeath my talent of saying “ Mangaon tah”...ikaw ate ang musonod sa akong mga yapak na palakaon..bira ate! Hantod buhi pa ta kaon jud but don't you worry kay naa man ka diet strategy courtesy of your mother..ahehehe..ate I hope when I see you again naka score naka..hahaha..btaw ate..seriously whether HE will arrive or not, I am still wishing you life full of love. Singleness doesn't mean you have nothing. It only says that you have enough love to be offered to everyone, equal and sincere. Lab u ate.










To Palac, the future adik next to me..hahaha..ambot ani niya oi maulaw pa cguro xa ug pakita sa iyang true colors..hawja palac!ayb nah!...btaw, among the girls it's you that I haven't spend so much time like sa camiguin but it doesn't matter at all kay eventually nakabalo rako na adik d i pud ka..hahaha... mmm.. I bequeath to you my talent of being paras at times nga bc silang tanan..samuka jud cla gen..pag mag utang ang isa utang tanan..pag magkaon ang isa kaon jud tanan...para pag ting sweldo hurot bayad sa utang..hahahaha..(evil laugh)..btaw, gen palac...sa iyo ko pinauubaya ang pag ka amaw..lab u gen.











To my only student..(waaa..ambot ngano pud nga nituo ni xa sa ako..hahaha)..Valen..bata..hehehe...oi basin baya ug nanganad ka na tawagon ug bata..tigulang na raba ka..ayaw pagpalabi oi..hehe..valen you're not getting any younger so think maturely and wisely. In life you can't stay forever young in mind..you have to think and act old because there are many things and situations in this world only old and mature individuals can understand. When it comes to Michael, padayon lang sa imo gibati.crush ra btaw..it's harmless but kung mulampas pa mo beyond that (kana kung nireply na xa sa imong tx..hehehe)...you should be very happy and responsible. Seldom lang maabot ang event na magdayon mo sa imong crush. And if ever, if lang pud makauyab na ka hinay2x lang..ok? Undangi na na imong SS501 kay di na ma imo... mabuang nalang ka ana... sila wa kaila sa imo...PUYO!










And lastly to Rutty..iya kong idol when it comes to sexiness..waaaa,..btaw don't you worry so much sa imong body mao ng uso karon(ask ate gani..hehehe)..your simplicity shows your true beauty. I know you are a responsible ate because it shows and you will be blessed because of that. But your being responsible doesn't mean you have to forget your own happiness. You have your friends who are always there who support you and that is one of your treasures. Don't underestimate your self because you're the only one "living rutty girl" in this world. Keep your self -esteem at it's peak. Be confident. It's incessant that you will face trials in life but all these things are unwrapped gifts...you are the one who will find it's true gift...a gift that will bring you happiness and satisfaction. Don't' you give up. You're beautiful and you have to know that.










Hay..mao lang na ako maiingon..BYE nah.....hehe btaw guys I will miss you so much..i will always remember you and whatever happens in the future I'm the same Goldy. Oding, goldax or cge nalang adik pud...that you have known..magkita ra jpon tah..ayaw mo ug drama dra...Love you Smart girls...