Happy Birthday Mama

( I decided to write a poem for mama as my gift for her 67th birthday. Hope she likes it.)

MAMA

GmH

Back to the days when I was a young girl,

I can clearly remember people calling me “Gold”.

I thought it was nice compared to a pearl,

But as a mother, you showed me I am more than any precious stones being made.

Mornings were served filled with steaming chocos and beaten eggs,

They perfectly soothe my mouth as I hurriedly go down the stairs.

Red dress, gold ribbons and glittering shoes,

Those were the things I remember the most.

Time inevitably passed by so fast,

I’m no longer a child but instead a growing bud.

You wished I will stay as a baby to cuddle

But I said, “Mom, I have to grow big and tall so that someday you will have someone to straddle”.

I have seen how much you struggle and how solely you bear the pain

As a daughter, I cried for I can’t stop the rain.

But as I grow up, you have taught me boldness,

So I decided to seek for your happiness.

Bravely I mustered all my might and conquered my fright,

Just to prove everyone that Yes! I can win the fight.

Along with that triumph is a daughter’s pride,

That I have a great mother, a truth I cannot hide.

When there was a moment I chose to give up,

You said, “You cannot avoid life neither does it stop.”

Cease worrying and crying and never ask to die,

Stand up and face life God will provide.”

Your words brought me hope and inspiration,

You have only proven that you are worth others and my admiration.

You continue to battle life’s tests and uncertainties,

Making sure your kids will never miss life’s beautiful circumstances.

I know I cannot completely give the perfect happiness you deserve

Because I am your daughter that means I inherit your stubbornness.

Still I swear to heaven that I will not surrender,

Until you haven’t said, “Thank you my daughter. You surely made my life worth living”.

Your boys and your only girl towered you now,

Sadly Papa wasn’t here to fulfill your eternal vow.

But life indeed gave you a surprise,

You have now Yoyong, a baby you need to tow.

Every day and every night I pray to our Almighty God

That He will spare us more time to hold each other’s hands.

I hope He will grant me the chance to spend every 27^th of June,

With no one but YOU my only Mother, I forever behold.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!

I LOVE YOU

(Credit to Pao2x mylabz for the lay-out)

Pen and Paper

Lately, my mind is preoccupied with necessary and unnecessary things and people. I’m waiting for a call that will mark a change in my life but my waiting seems so long that I’m going nuts. I decided to get myself busy by digging old friend’s letters and cards and I quote some of their lines.

“When I saw you first time, you were looking good on my eyes because you always had a smile… You have to know that you are good in writing that is why I only read your article”. – Adolf, 02.27.07

--- Haha. Adolf, the Korean Bug, awh! Joke. Adolf, my old friend, the one who said “I like you” but naïve I am back then, I muttered nothing but Silence. He noticed it so he said again, “You’re still so young, Goldy”. Awh! HAhaha…I’d like to thank him for giving me a letter for he said I’m very lucky because I’m the first girl who will receive a letter from him written in English. It’s my honor Adolf. I wonder if he still remembers me but if not, it won’t make any difference. Nevertheless, if I happen to see you again, I swear you’re going to see the smile just like the first time you set your eyes on me.

“I’m glad God gave me a friend like you so strong yet so fragile. Xenxa na if I’m not like MIMI when at times I can’t be your side”. – Bebang

--- Bebang. Bebang. Bebang! What can I say about this so damn beautiful lady? You have showed me so much gracefulness and I must admit I was in awe looking at you, back then, Angel. The feeling is still the same these days but I wanted to see more of you like BOLDNESS, perhaps. I want to see you scream, kick some ass, do the F sign and tell a girl that she’s a bitch. Don’t get me wrong baby I don’t have the intention to make you evil I just want to let you show the world that even with your apathy, you’re human after all. And I just want to let you know that MIMI and YOU are two different people and I have known that the very first time I befriended both of you. I didn’t ask you to be like MIMI when I needed one; I just want you to be my friend. That’s all. No more, no less. You should start realizing it by now. Despite, all the annoyance and confusion, I still love you. I really do.Lately, my mind is preoccupied with necessary and unnecessary things and people. I’m waiting for a call that will mark a change in my life but while my waiting is taking so long, I’m going nuts. So in order to avoid my further delusion, I prefer to get myself busy by digging old friend’s letter and cards and I quote some of their lines.

“When I saw you first time, you were looking good on my eyes because you always had a smile… You have to know that you are good in writing that is why I only read your article”. – Adolf, 02.27.07

--- Haha. Adolf, the Korean Bug, awh! Joke. Adolf, my old friend, the one who said “I like you” but naïve I am back then, I muttered nothing but Silence. He noticed it so he said again, “You’re still so young, Goldy”. Awh! HAhaha…I’d like to thank him for giving me a letter for he said I’m very lucky because I’m the first girl who will receive a letter from him written in English. It’s my honor Adolf. I wonder if he still remembers us but if not, it won’t make any difference. Nevertheless, if I happen to see you again, I swear you’re going to see the smile just like the first time you set your eyes on me.

“I’m glad God gave me a friend like you so strong yet so fragile. Xenxa na if I’m not like MIMI when at times I can’t be your side”. – Bebang

--- Bebang. Bebang. Bebang! What can I say about this so damn beautiful lady? You have showed me so much gracefulness and I must admit I was in awe looking at you, back then, Angel. The feeling is still the same these days but I wanted to see more of you like BOLDNESS, perhaps. I want to see you scream, kick some ass, do the F sign and tell a girl that she’s a bitch. Don’t get me wrong baby I don’t have the intention to make you evil I just want to let you show the world that even with your apathy, you’re human after all. And I just want to let you know that MIMI and YOU are two different people and I have known that the very first time I befriended both of you. I didn’t ask you to be like MIMI when I needed one; I just want you to be my friend. That’s all. No more, no less. You should start realizing it by now. Despite, all the annoyance and confusion, I still love you. I really do.

“I feel like you are my baby that I should protect from any pain and danger. I fail to realize that you’re no longer a baby”. – Helen, 12.19.05

--- “I wanted to be a baby forever”. That is the truth, Helentot. But I guess a daydream like this is so immature. I had to wake up from that illusion because if I decided to stay there, I will be nothing. And I fear that there will come a time that I will be used to other people’s caress, and I will not be able to let them go. I appreciated your fondness for me but sadly, I have grown up since the day life hit me hard. I had to grow. I need to grow. There are times that I think of someone who could dare to stand by me, to protect me from pain and danger but the more I think of it, the more pain visits my heart because I know very well that I will be waiting for a long time. Nevertheless, I am still grateful that there are few people whom I hope to be more patient of me and of my existence. I know, at times, I’m pain in the ass.

“ Lot of times maoffend ko sa imong voice – ang tone sa imo voice dili ,determine kung suko ka or wala”. -- Bebang, 03.16.05

--- The funniest comment I ever received. How could I deny such remark when the truth is I AM REALLY LOUD? Literally. I am completely clueless of this attribute. I really don’t know that the volume of my voice is at maximum because for me being heard is effortless. Not until Bebang admitted that she was scared of my loudness. Suddenly, I thought of myself, “Do I really sound ferocious?” If yes, then YIKES. I should watch myself 24/7. Seriously, my voice is my signature. It has been my best friend since elementary, reciting poems, declamations, orations, balagtasan and the like. I am trained. Today, I said to myself I will only count someone as my friend when he or she loudly accepts my roar. PROMISE!

“You are silent as a creek but deep as an ocean. Though you never tell me how much you’ve been hurt but you’ve shown me how strong you are. – Bebang , 11.05.07

--- Enclosed with this letter were two packs of Centrum. I laugh at the thought of it but it was a moment where I have proven that Bebang was the sweetest person I have ever known. As I looked back at those years when I was fragile and dying, Bebang was one of the people who worried that I’ll be jumping on a cliff to take my own life. Hahaha..But yeah bebang was right at the idea. When almost everything in my life I thought was a curse, I dread the day when I was born but luckily I have survived everything and fought hard. Bebang had given me the right images and words to describe my being which I can’t do for myself. And everything that she had said was true. How I wish I could also do the same for her if only she lets me too.

“Please don’t ever try to think that we befriend you para lang naa ma tripan or mabinuanangan. Siguro ikaw lang man gud ang tao na akaong na met na dali ra mutuo or for short Uto –Uto.” – Mimi, 05.02.05

--- Oh! How I hate Mimi back then. (The lies, deceptions, gags and more.) I was her favorite victim because I was too dumb and stupid believing her. Damn Mimi! Yet everyone knows that a day without Mimi is boring and dull. She could change every other day to a joyful and memorable one. Nothing’s change until now you still brighten up our gloomy days. Thanks MIMI for the laughters. And yeah she still play jokes on me until now. That’s MIMI.

“Trying hard to fit in and to stay in your level because you are my friend.” – Bebang, 03.23.07

--- I have no idea that our friendship has this certain level that you are talking about. For me, you are a friend – one of my closest, but it seems you are unaware of how special you are to us and oblivious about the fact that we are ready to help you anytime. The only problem is you don’t tell us a thing. Were your faith and trust gone now? I hope not. I know life WAS and IS hard to us but I don’t give up because I am never meant to be a failure so do you. I look forward to the day that you will see your worth not because you are my friend but because you are YOU.

“ I would like to remember you as the girl who never leaves her friend through happiness and sadness. I would like to remember you as the girl who always extends a helping hand and a girl na maguol ka ma sad kon ma sad iyang friends.” – MIMI, 10.06.05

--- CHAR. Thank you for the compliment. I’d like to remember those words you said because I don’t want to lose that character. But over the years, many of that girl’s character were lost. I don’t know if it was lost along my journey or I intended to drop it along the way. It’s true nothing is constant in this world but one thing is for sure, I am here to be your friend.

Valuable memories. Valuable letters. From valuable people.

Friendship. It occurred one day and it stayed right there, perfectly.

These are the written words I will treasure for a lifetime. I missed the old times but I don’t wanna go back because I don’t want to hurt you the second time around.

“I feel like you are my baby that I should protect from any pain and danger. I fail to realize that you’re no longer a baby”. – Helen, 12.19.05

--- “I wanted to be a baby forever”. That is the truth, Helentot. But I guess a daydream like this is so immature. I had to wake up from that illusion because if I decided to stay there, I will be nothing. And I fear that there will come a time that I will be used to other people’s caress, and I will not be able to let them go. I appreciated your fondness for me but sadly, I have grown up since the day life hit me hard. I had to grow. I need to grow. There are times that I think of someone who could dare to stand by me, to protect me from pain and danger but the more I think of it, the more pain visits my heart because I know very well that I will be waiting for a long time. Nevertheless, I am still grateful that there are few people who I hope to be more patient of me and of my existence. I know, at times, I’m pain in the ass.

“ Lot of times ma-offend ko sa imong voice – ang tone sa imo voice dili ,determine kung suko ka or wala”. -- Bebang, 03.16.05

--- The funniest comment I ever received. How could I deny such remark when the truth is I AM REALLY LOUD? Literally. I am completely clueless of this attribute. I really don’t know that the volume of my voice is at maximum because for me, being heard is effortless. Not until Bebang admitted that she was scared of my loudness. Suddenly, I thought of myself, “Do I really sound ferocious?” If yes, then YIKES. I should watch myself 24/7. Seriously, my voice is my signature. It has been my best friend since elementary, reciting poems, declamations, orations, balagtasan and the like. I am trained. Today, I said to myself I will only count someone as my friend when he or she loudly accepts my roar. PROMISE!

“You are silent as a creek but deep as an ocean. Though you never tell me how much you’ve been hurt but you’ve shown me how strong you are. – Bebang , 11.05.07

--- (I love these lines!) Enclosed with this letter were two packs of Centrum. I laughed at the thought but it was a moment where I have proven that Bebang was the sweetest person I have ever known. As I looked back at those years when I was fragile and dying, Bebang was one of the people who worried that I’ll be jumping on a cliff to take my own life. Hahaha..But yeah bebang was right at the idea. When almost everything in my life I thought was a curse, I dread the day when I was born but luckily I survived everything and fought hard. Bebang had given me the right images and words to describe my being which I can’t do for myself. And everything that she had said was true. How I wish I could also do the same for her if only she lets me too.

“Please don’t ever try to think that we befriend you para lang naa ma tripan or mabinuanangan. Siguro ikaw lang man gud ang tao na akaong na met na dali ra mutuo or for short Uto –Uto.” – Mimi, 05.02.05

--- Oh! How I hate Mimi back then. (The lies, deceptions, gags and more.) I was her favorite victim because I was too dumb and stupid to believe her. Damn Mimi! Yet everyone knows that a day without Mimi is boring and dull. She could change every other day to a joyful and memorable one. Nothing’s change until now you still brighten up our gloomy days. Thanks MIMI for the laughters. And yeah she still play jokes on me until now. That’s MIMI.

“Trying hard to fit in and to stay in your level because you are my friend.” – Bebang, 03.23.07

--- I have no idea that our friendship has this certain level that you are talking about. For me, you are a friend – one of my closest, but it seems you are unaware of how special you are to us and oblivious about the fact that we are ready to help you anytime. The only problem is you don’t tell us a thing. Were your faith and trust gone now? I hope not. I know life WAS and IS hard to us but I don’t give up because I am never meant to be a failure so do you. I look forward for the day that you will see your worth not because you are my friend but because you are YOU.

“ I would like to remember you as the girl who never leaves her friend through happiness and sadness. I would like to remember you as the girl who always extends a helping hand and a girl na maguol ka ma sad kon ma sad iyang friends.” – MIMI, 10.06.05

--- CHAR. Thank you for the compliment. I’d like to remember those words you said because I don’t want to lose that character. But over the years, many of that girl’s character were lost. I don’t know if it was lost along my journey or I intended to drop it along the way. It’s true nothing is constant in this world but one thing is for sure, I am here to be your friend.

Valuable memories.

Valuable letters.

From valuable people.

Friendship. It occurred one day and it stayed right there, perfectly.

These are the written words I will treasure for a lifetime. I missed the old times but I don’t want go back because I don’t want to hurt you the second time around.

When GOD strikes a Thunder

When GOD strikes a thunder…

I say “Sorry” because I have sinned.

I say “Give me one more chance” because I have failed.

I say “Forgive me” because I disappointed You.

I say “Please” because I am nothing without You.

When GOD strikes a thunder…

I think of my father because I miss him.

I think of my mother because I want her to stay a little longer.

I think of my brothers because I still wish to play with them.

I think of myself because I want to be the best for You.

When GOD strikes a thunder…

I remember the pain that people have caused me.

I remember the hatred I felt for them when they laughed at me.

I remember the careless words I told them when everything got into my nerve.

I remember the tears I shed out of unrequited love.

I remember the heartaches the moment they broke my heart.

When GOD strikes a thunder…

I accept forgiveness for I am also human, not perfect, not invincible.

I accept love for I also desperately need one.

I accept humility to place my heart, my mind and my soul at peace.

I accept life for I need to live anew.

When GOD strikes a thunder…

I know I’m still afraid of HIS Might.

God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You

Yeah....

Oh yes

Ohhh..yeah..

Can this be true?

Tell me can this be real?

How can I put into words what I feel?

My life was complete

I thought I was whole

Why do I feel like I'm losing control?

I never thought that love could feel like this

And you've changed my world with just one kiss.

How can it be that right here with me

There's an angel?

It's a miracle...

Your love is like a river

Peaceful and deep

Your soul is like a secret

That I never could keep

When I look into your eyes

I know that it's true

God must of spent...

A little more time

On you...

In all of creation

All things great and small

You are the one that surpasses them all

More precious than

Any diamond or pearl

They broke the mold

When you came in this world

And I'm trying hard to figure out

Just how I ever did without

The warmth of your smile

The heart of a child

That's deep inside

Leaves me purified

Your love is like a river

Peaceful and deep (and deep)

Your soul is like a secret

That I never could keep

When I look into your eyes

I know that it's true

God must of spent...

A little more time

On you...

Viejos Amigos

“Many have said goodbye, only few remained.”

I have met strangers who became my friends, friends who turned out to be special friends and there were also strangers who remained strangers. Any of the three, most of them bid goodbye. I thought it only happened with my boyfriends but unfortunately this sequence of events happened with some of my girlfriends too. The reason why is still unclear to me up until now.

I chose the kind people I let walk into my life. I chose them perfectly so as to become rightful or deserving to be called my friends. AN ASSUMPTION.

I happened to bump pictures of old friends with the help of the social network FACEBOOK of course. (I’m not sure if it’s an advantage to have an easy peek of accounts of other people.) I smile upon seeing those photos which lead me to saying these words, “Well, I guess you have settled into an uncomplicated life with someone now. Good.” GOOD the sound of the word echoes. Yeah, GOOD. But how good is it when our friendship is gone. Should I still be putting a smiley on my face? I don’t know. Maybe time would tell if that friendship is still worthy to rekindle.

And there’s another old friend which I don’t want to remember I made friends with. It’s because the animosity is still there. And pretending that I am happy for you is such dangerous trickery and I chose to refuse. The friendship I had with you is at stake and I doubt if it could survive on its own.

There was also an old friend I had an argument with. Our closeness went into sisterhood and it never came to my mind that it would end like a sibling war, an unimaginable war that sure had devastated our friendship. I dread that day it happened. I fear it even today.

There were also group of friends I met before. A mix of shame and gladness come into my mind every time I remember those faces. I was glad of the affection showed by everyone but shameful of it at the same time. I don’t want to visit that scene anymore.

Wasted friendship perhaps brought me into few close friends. A selection I never regretted. But I could not stay away from those old friends who were once significant to me. I don’t know what happened back then. I understand why people come and go. The thing that I cannot fathom is when people go and they left us with either pain or hatred.

A Prayer When It Looks Like You Have Failed

Lord, are you trying to tell me something?

For:

Failure doesn't mean I'm a failure.

It does mean I haven't yet succeeded.

Failure doesn't mean I have accomplished nothing.

It does mean I have learned something.

Failure doesn't mean I have been a fool.

It does mean I had enough faith to experiment.

Failure doesn't mean I've been disgraced.

It does mean I dared to try.

Failure doesn't mean I don't have it.

It does mean I have to do something in a different way.

Failure doesn't mean I am inferior.

It does mean I am not perfect.

Failure doesn't mean I've wasted my life.

It does mean I have an excuse to start over again.

Failure doesn't mean I should give up.

It does mean I must try harder.

Failure doesn't mean I'll never make it.

It does mean I need more patience.

Failure doesn't mean you have abandoned me.

It does mean you must have a better idea!

Amen.

By Rev. Robert H. Schuller

Haunted

It was Saturday morning when I woke up with a tear around the corner of my eyes. Half- awake, I wiped it, hoping the dream I had will not remind of me what really happened between you and me.

Yes, I can vaguely remember the scenes of that gloomy place. I can’t picture that dim face you had. I’m not sure whether you’re angry or crying. But what I cannot forget was the intense feeling I had standing in front of you. Hatred. I clenched my teeth. It happened again.

Why is your memory clearly painted in my mind? I asked myself again. How I wish it was our good memory but it was not.

In my dreams there were screams, blows, insults and tears. You were there standing, frozen. Your eyes begging forgiveness but I just turned around because I can’t. Instead, I held my hand close to my chest and uttered, “I’m sorry I cannot forget the pain easily. I cannot forget you just like that”.

Without saying a word, you left. And there was silence. Your silence hurts even more.

Your absence brought me to deep contemplation. How come you cannot offer me the loyalty of friendship? You even refused to give me the loyalty of your love. You took away both pieces, the only reasons why I still have hope.

I have forgotten you. I thought you were dead. Well I assumed you were. It’s better to accept death to be the reason of your desertion than to think that you have simply forgotten me because of her. “ OF HER” – Damn! Who is HER? No need to tell me. I wouldn’t want to know.

Enough of your haunting. Please stop besetting me. I can no longer point the difference between a dream and reality, because in both worlds you are there. Leave me alone and never come back for I want to live without being scared even when your shadow appears.

You have found your happiness, spare me my share.( Jerk! I don’t have to ask you that. I don’t owe you in the first place, I murmured.)

I clenched my teeth. It happened again.

The sun is up now, illuminating my window. I stood up. It was a dream.

Dream

And I thought I was just dreaming. It was surreal. Before it was a dreary vision. Intangible fantasy. Now it's coming and there's no way you can stop it. You may try but you will never triumph because I can't and I won't allow it.

Let me dream the dream I dream for myself. Permit me to touch it. To Taste it. To embrace it. To live with it. You can dream with me but please forget the intention of breaking it, of crushing it.

No..No..No!

I had a lot of moments and this is among the erratic circumstances I encountered, this time giving me a piece of happiness and satisfaction - "the only difference".

Make a way..make a way for I am coming. Turn on the lights for I will take the center stage. Put your hands together and say " Bravo" for I really need those word as of this moment.

Finally, let me continue to dream. I'm just taking the initial step.

FYI-- I'm not over yet so please don't wake me up!

^___^

MiDLiFe

I’m 23. (Turning 24 in November this year), the age between teenage years and adulthood. I don’t know if I am really a grown up now. Maybe I have matured in some ways. But there are some points in my being which I am doubtful about. My indescribable personality is still a struggle not only for me but also for other people (but I don’t think they notice that). It sounds a comfort for me to say that I am really a struggle because I define myself that way. But just like they said nobody knows you better except yourself. My definition of me lies in my own hands.

I have encountered beautiful and blissful events in my life as well as ugly ones which were the most unforgettable. I have made hasty decisions which made me felt sorry at the end. I convinced myself that those decisions were part of growing up. And yes, true enough as I grow up every day I made more wrong decisions one after the other. And I’m afraid I’m haunted again by the same mistake. Could this be possibly another good shot of a wrong decision? Could this be one of my first-rate errors? I don’t know. I’m trying to gather all my courage to say that this is indeed part of growing up. And if it really is, I should say growing up is one sure hell of pain in the ass.

Right or wrong, I’m stuck with my decision.

I’m not certain if I have the right to rant about the misfortunes I’m experiencing and the nasty feelings I’m feeling today. It was my decision and I am positive of that decision the first time I had a thought of it. But the boldness I had back then was slowly vanishing, getting out of my hand. Things seem out of control and not according to what I wanted to be. The question whether the problem is me or the world is pathetic. When the light of hope strikes me I’m confident that it’s there but when I don’t have a grasp of it, it isn’t really there. Zero. Nihility.

At this point, I’m definite of what I want to happen in my life. I had it plan a long, long time ago. I already had a clear picture of what my life would be in the future. And the mystery of its realizations is yet to unfold. When will it happen? I hope the answer is soon. VERY SOON. Because I cannot dare to live my life staying like this, trapped and bored. I want to see myself doing more than just writing sentiments. I don’t just want to see what is beyond the end of the rainbow instead; I WANT TO STAY AT THE TOP OF THAT COLORFUL RAINBOW. The song tells me, “I try to see the good in life but good things in life are hard to find”. Yeah! Life is not easy, it will never be, but there’s no way I’m giving up. Not now, not tomorrow and certainly not until I see myself stubbornly smiling, saying these words, “C’mon, Life beat me!”.