The Journey of Becoming Me....

Every time I hold a pen or stare at the computer, I can always hear a voice telling me, “write..write..you need to write”. The voice tries to cast a spell on me so that when it wins, something “literary of the weird” comes out.

I have always loved writing and I will love it for the rest of my life. But as much as I wanted to....as much as the voice throws more hocus-pocus on me to get me going, my mind would just hang-up, making no response to a lass who dreams to be a good writer. The more I force my mind, the more it thinks about nothing, the more it says no.

My psyche is just too occupied with thoughts I never wanted to conceive. My mind is too busy to think of perfect words that human beings will understand. My mind is too clouded with teeming worries, unnecessary stress and fancies. My mind is too brave to refuse but too coward to admit that I have a lot of things to write but I don’t know where to begin and what word would completely fit the introduction.

I have already devoured all the pages of my notes but still the same nonsense thoughts appear. I tried to read it again, making it more exasperating as ever. How pathetic. How can I dream of becoming a writer when I cannot even convince myself of the words I wrote?

Envious. Irate. Despondent.

Because the dream I’m dreaming is now unreachable, indomitable.

I wallowed into a lunacy that deeply disappointed me after all the intrepid trying and struggling. Well I guess I am just a flimsy, ambitious young woman diving into a cliff down to the world of the geniuses. Crap! The poorest triumph in my lists.

Disappointed, I put down my pen, shut the monitor and said “it’s over”. I have to put an end to a dream that seems to be a bluff.

"Life goes on". The cliché uttered by the defeated. I walked along the journey following the blurry vision of the path towards the dull future.

Unguided, I was totally lost.

I am a vestige of my own life.

A stigma.

Then one day a man approached me through his book saying “When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointments, defeat and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way”. Reading his lines is like an elixir to my dying soul.

Blood rushes, the intrinsic talent reincarnates, the tenacity becomes stronger.

Dedicated. Zealous. Exuberant.

I started again. I became an instant avid fan of myself – the author. I discarded all the doubts, forgotten the fears and veered to a new life. I watch myself yielding to the culmination of my dreams bringing with me the strength and inspiration I gathered along my vicious walk in this world.

I have crossed an impassable gulf of hapless moments of my life, now I face new intricate challenges in my journey. I am aware of the countless encumbrances, procrastinations and random failures along the way that will yanked me to the hell world of the forsaken but it will never stop me from dreaming.

I’m back for my vendetta and this time I’m going to win.

I will never fail myself because failure is unforgivable.

That’s why I persist. I insist.

I wrote my own story, I dream my own dream and with God I will love the life that He gave to me.

For Him I offer everything.

My success

My dream

Myself

Me

The young woman He named Goldy.

When Destiny Speaks

In one isolated corner of this world, I found myself writing about different walks of life. I write about love, friendship, heartbreaks, pain, hatred, disappointment and even about death. But even how many words and ideas I write, I still can't come up with the right words to define life. Maybe it is one of the many mysteries that I need to discover on my own, I thought.
How do I start to unveil the mystery of life enclosed with many doubts and fears? How would I discover the true meaning of life when I am trapped with a restricted world? Restricted. YES, because even how much I wanted to explore and soar by myself I could not do it - I can't dare to try even a single step.
At the time I started to ask myself this question -- " What is my destiny?"-- it never stops asking until now because at this very moment I am still caught with the same question.
I share my life with few people. Those "few" includes my family, friends, workmates and strangers I never welcomed. It sounds boring for some but I would rather stay with people who can make me special despite of my mishaps than to be with those whom I conceal my real personality.
I was never lucky to be given much of luxury. The luxury of travel and the luxury of spoiling my time. I envy those who have enjoyed much of everything in this world. The people who never hesitated to act whatever consequences they might encounter along the way. The people who were never afraid of the risks they might stumble upon making their decisions.
How could it be that my desire to do such things argue with the principle and values in life? How could it be that two good things still don't seem to fit to make things go well? How could be the desire of living life to the fullest is bombarded with the pressure of becoming responsible and mature in unexpected time? How could I enjoy and laugh my heart out with what I am doing when every time I come home I am welcomed by tears and grieves of the past?
With these questions left unanswered, I came to rest and took a pause for a few minutes. And I came up with these lines.
"I still believe in my own destiny and it is here in my own quiet world I will wait for that destiny to unfold. Maybe for now it is my destiny to write things about what I hear and see but when my destiny speaks I will listen and will push myself to walk along with it".

Dying in fame - Pres. Corazon Aquino Bids her Final Goodbye

I hardly know facts about politics. The people who crave for it,who fight and die for it. I don't even know the names of prominent politicians who make their own dramatic stories just to become the people's hero. But on this day August 1, 2009, one name became the nations subject to talk about - the death of Former President Corazon Aquino.
Corazon Aquino became the mother of the nation because of the sudden death of her husband, Benigno " Ninoy" Aquino who was then a senator who courageously fight against the Marcos Administration . His death became an instant Philippine's history and his wife Cory Aquino continued to make that history being the first woman to be the President of the Philippines and of Asia.
I have a vague information on how Cory Aquino became the president and how it ended. Maybe because I was not born on that era yet and even up to now I don' have the clear idea of what happened during her regime. Not because I am too indifferent who doesn't care about my country, it's just that I am too tired of understanding politics, too tired of knowing the politicians and too tired to listen on their whims.
But with Cory Aquino all I heard were about prayers, a loving and supportive mother and a caring and cheerful lola. She is an icon of many politicians, a fan of democracy and a fighter and defender of the rights of every Filipinos. She was the light of the nation when it is triggered by greed of power, money and injustice. Her words and opinions are heard in the world of politics.
As she continued to serve this country through her prayers she faced her own battle and she brought with her the strong faith that inspired many individuals - the rich and the poor. Together with this nation, prayers were uttered to make her win the battle she's into and today her battle ended.
Filipinos mourn for losing a woman of faith, a woman of democracy,a woman of this nation,a woman who brings hope to this nation. Pres. Cory Aquino may bid farewell to her beloved nation and to us Filipinos but her ideals will live forever in every Filipino's heart.
Her death show us how brave she was, fighting the pain of her illness, fighting to survive yet one thing that she never fight about is the final day that God wants her to rest. She showed us the true courage of a warrior and the total surrender when herMaster tells her so.

Praise to President Corazon Aquino!Thanks To President Corazon Aquino! May she rest well in the hands of her Master!

just the way it is..just the way you are….

Uncertainty of emotions sometimes visit my vulnerable heart. This has been one of my moods or I should say a routine in my life..it comes once a week, in a month or even in unexpected days.
Some of the closest people in my life would describe me as weird but I don't worry too much about this comment I'm thankful instead. Because of this weirdness I was able to cope with the miserable and solitary moment of my life. I am the kind of person who motivates her own self and that is how i wrote these words...

When everything has ended…

there would never be a glance again and no matter what I do. Nothing will ever change. Everything happened because it’s supposed to happen. I can’t argue with the law of nature and more with the story that God has written about my life. I could never question why life has been bitter the past years; I could never doubt why I have less in life compared with others… I could never be sad why I have to experience the hapless moments in life and I could never be angry why I have to meet people who will just let me cry. I have no right to question the life He planned .All of those things happened to teach me the things I need to learn and to grow as a strong person just the way He wanted me to be.

Life has been an endless round of questions and doubts but no matter how it turns over and over, the end is still the same. Would you ever ask if a circle has really a beginning and an end? Finding the answer would take all the years of your life. You just have to believe it has.

Life sometimes has its blissful moments, sometimes with downfall and misery. Whatever story it was it still ends the same way with the same words to say “I made it through’.

Crying times are the hardest days when we can all think about is the cruelty of the world. How could it be that we just thank God when we feel lucky but not in times of sorrow? Just like the way friends remember friends when they are in trouble but left you behind when they are in ecstasy?

Life is full of surprises and some of these surprises are the things we wouldn’t want to imagine. But God has his own way of making surprises. It would be through a gift with colorful wrap yet as we open it inside is a hand –full of trials. After then it depends on us on how to search for the true gift, to find the real gift He gave to us. Don’t be deceived by anything that appears magnificent outside or don’t be confused of a one time failure ‘coz through it only you can define the words Love and God.

Don’t say that you’re the only one who is weeping. God is also hurt to see you suffer like that. He did not make you to see you cry. When you are in the moment of despair, all He wanted to hear is your voice calling His name and that would only be the time He speaks and you will be left with nothing but a flowing undying love.

To whom I’m saying all this?!HAHAHAHAHA ..(loko..you’re writing for yourself again goldy…..eeerrrr)

Maybe I just hear want I wanted to hear from myself…WEEEEEE…

missing my father…

(It was July 25, 2008 when i lost one important man in my life..until now i could not still describe the sting of pain i felt every time i remember this day...

i could only write few words of longing caused by his sudden goodbye...)

i badly miss my father so much..

i miss the man who used to buy me chocolates when i’m not in the mood..

i miss the man who bought me my first ever guitar..

i miss the man who told me to run around the house and jump on the stairs when i had my first red day…(sssshhhh..that was odd)

i miss the man who knows i want chicken/pork adobo in my meal..

i miss the man who make a lot of promises..failing to do the 9 1/2 promises he made..(hahaha..great!)

i miss the man who used to carry me at his back when i was just a little girl..

i miss the man who spoils me a lot..

i miss the man who buy me anything i ask..(unfortunately he does not have the money..hehehe)

i miss the man who told me the story about how the uwak became uwak..(hahaha..sakkto bah?)

i miss the man who bears the most beautiful eyelashes i’ve ever seen…

i miss the man who dances the cha-cha in an awkward steps..

i miss the man who taught me how to be humble, silent(the attitude i got from him..woohhhhh…)

i miss everything about him..

he was not the best nor the perfect father but he was the man who completes my ideal world…

God!! i miss him so much…